Affrayed

I avoid confrontation, mostly because I am a coward.  It makes me nervous and shaky to talk to someone when I am upset with them.  My brain seems to go on hiatus, and my well planned out thoughts spew forth in a jumbled mess.  I am practicing but I cannot believe how much I let things that bother me go rather than deal with them in the moment.  The moment is really the only place to deal with things.  As soon as you let it pass relevance of any kind is lost forever, making anything you choose to say later weak and worthless.

I am so scared of facing things I allow other people in my life to get hurt rather than stand up for what is right.  It is really really depressing.  Sitting here in front of my computer I can come up with all sorts of plans of how I will confront the next issue.  These plans will make me feel confident and brave, then the moment happens and it’s all lost.  I am left grasping for any bit of strength I can find, and it turns out my brain has used that strength to run.  Ugh.

The worst people for me are my friends, I am frightened to tell them what I really think, I would rather avoid them for weeks on end, until no one but me remembers there was ever an issue.  Especially my male friends, in front of them I am the worst kind of female.  Because I do not hold people responsible for their reprehensible actions or speech, they do or say shitty things more often in my presence.  I watch others deal with the same situations with strength and grace, I envy that self-confidence, that poise.

So today I am going to tell myself once again that I can grow a spine.  I can feel it in me, I only need the timing to be correct.  This reminds me of a witty comeback problem, I would forgo access to witty comebacks for the rest of my life if only I could tell someone “Hey that was rude and uncalled for and I would appreciate it if you could reform your attitude”  Hell, I’d be happy with a simple “You’re annoying, leave me alone.”  Maybe then I will have more of the antonyms for confrontation in my life.

One Response to “Affrayed”

  1. Me, too.

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