In Retaliation

Sometimes I am disheveled, dark, and, moody.  Those are the times I most need to write, and those are the times when I mostly don’t.  I am too caught up in my own head to conjure up a complete sentence that doesn’t drip of self pity.  I have this dream in my head of how I would most like my life to be.  Dreams seem to me, to be a double edge sword.  While on one hand it would be terrible to live your life without dreams or without them ever coming to fruition, on the other hand sometimes we choose the wrong dreams.  Sometimes the dreams we choose are no good for us.  (haha I have just thought of a million ways people I know could misconstrue what I just wrote.) Sometimes you have no way of knowing until it comes true, which kind of dream it is.  I have this dream that has the potential to set us free, or to rip us apart.  I am pursuing this dream which sometimes makes me feel like a great crusader, and sometimes it makes me feel like an evil stupid villain. I find that I need all my knowing of myself.  I need to be constantly maintaining a good healthy thought process about myself.  I am always questioning my own motives about everything I do.  I have huge doubts about my cleanliness of heart.  I am finding little ways I manipulate people and situations to serve in my best interest, and I am finally finding that in no way is that manipulation mutually beneficial.  I am learning to admit my biggest secrets in order to watch them grow small, at least in my eyes. (which I am finding might be the ones that count the most)  The world is not the way I would like it to be.  It is sometimes greater than I could ever imagine, and sometimes a dreary, slogging (it’s raining outside) mudslide of terrible intentions.  I am more arrogant, controlling, and wickedly silly than I ever thought I was, but how could I ever change those things if I couldn’t see them.  I am vulnerable, and needy, but I am able to give as good as I get.  I am done trying to fit in to a society I don’t even admire.  Oh my goodness, I had better be right.

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