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Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 11, 2023 by inretaliation

It’s probably my mom’s fault I escaped the lures of the white powders.  She always seemed the most put together of anyone I knew.  Driven. Above. She didn’t make me not want to try any drugs, it’s just that the difference between her and her family was so stark.  The only difference I could see was the powders, so I steered clear.  Or maybe that’s all bullshit and being around addicts is the best way for some people to learn how not to be one.  I still haven’t done coke or meth although I have done plenty of other things.  Addiction was a bit of an extreme.  While I was around plenty of drugs my margin was skewed. Nobody I was around considered someone an addict until they started hurting other people to get their fix.  If you weren’t causing other people harm you were recreating and anyone who said different just didn’t know how to party.

It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I learned why addiction is considered a disease. Ha nah that’s when I wish I would have learned.  My dad was fun, ice cream and movies for no reason fun.  Turns out he was fun with his friends too until his wife threatened to leave him.  Then it was no more fun.  Then it was apologies and the Twelve Steps and lots of Jesus.  My sister was disdainful and pissed although that was kind of her go to mode so maybe she was ambivalent.  I did some pretty extraordinary mental gymnastics to make it all not his fault in my head.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  This is not my beautiful life.

The addiction portrayed on screen is so severe, Blow or the Godfather.  Or the one you see lying on the sidewalk wrapped in dirty blankets under the overhang.  Of course they have issues, who would choose to live like that except those who were not in their right mind or had no mind left with which to comprehend anything other than where their next fix is coming from.  Those are easy to judge and dismiss. “See I am not THAT bad, I’m doing ok, I have a job, a house, a family that loves me.”  The addiction I am intimate with is quiet, mostly controlled, secret, and above all functional.

For those of you who have never been a cigarette smoker I feel bad for you.  There is something exquisite about that first drag.  The long inhalation of smoke deep into your lungs, the sharp taste filling your mouth and leaking out your nose. The extra inhale of fresh air at the end just to make sure you can feel the smoke push into every seam in your body.  It’s delicious.  I definitely don’t think anyone should start smoking just to feel that but it is a pleasure you have missed.  My first boyfriend was a smoker, he came from a family of smokers. He and his friends would gather up all the used butts when they were out of tobacco, squeeze the dregs of tobacco out and roll new ones.  There is a goddamn slang term for this that I can’t remember, I just tried to google it but nope only one I got was snipe and that was certainly not it.  Anyway I managed to avoid this habit until I went to Europe.  You try hanging out with a bunch of desperate models and not smoking. It was weird enough that I wouldn’t do coke. I couldn’t be a complete goody goody.  I had dabbled before Europe, I loved that most girly of cigarettes, the clove, but hell those were expensive. Anyway after three months hanging out in clubs with insanely beautiful people trying desperately to fit in or at least blend a little I came back to the US a full fledged unapologetic smoker.


Posted in community, Humboldt County, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 28, 2016 by inretaliation

My little town is going through a little uprising.  It has been festering for years, the more that weed becomes an outsourced business, the more the discontent grows.  Our town is typical of small Humboldt villages, lots of back to the landers, a little bit of meth, a few old time ranchers, more new fangled new agers, and everyone (except most of the meth heads) with a little too much untaxable income.  Our land prices are high, we did not suffer in the crash of ’08, the land is too beautiful, it is always desirable.  I have lived here for 17 years and I see the change.  People come from out of town or out of the state and buy land, they camp long enough to pull in a huge crop, bring in tons of out of town workers, and then they all leave when the rain comes.  They do not spend the time making an effort to get to know the wonderful community they make their living in.  They do not care about our children’s soccer games or school plays.  They don’t celebrate on the beach with us for May Day.  Their money and ruthlessness makes us feel powerless and bullied.


The catalyst seems to be that recently one of our sons was killed as a pedestrian on the 101 hit by a car.  He was 27, his death has made all the do gooders want to form committees to save our town, our community.  He was addicted to meth, but that should not be his whole story he had parents who struggled and lost to their own addictions, he was isolated, he rarely left our town.  After his father died he lived alone up on a hill that you could only drive up sometimes.  He struggled to be good, to contribute.  A few years ago a couple of his friends took great advantage of him, they plied him with drugs and got him to agree to let them grow on his property.  He became so drugged up he lost a bit of his mind, his friends kicked him out he lived in his car they gave him more drugs so he wouldn’t say anything he lost more of his mind.  Finally another member of the community made sure his friends left the valley and never came back.  The son never really came back either.  His death makes us feel guilty, we stood by and watched and didn’t do anything worthwhile.

Marijuana and the economy around it are inseparable from our community, its joys and its hardships.  I make my money from weed, I hire itinerant workers, I love my community, I am both.  I am concerned that we will forget where we came from, that we will judge without understanding. There are so many things we can blame when we forget that we are our own original melting pot of needs and desires. In the name of equality we will condemn those who don’t agree with us.  In order to make our community greater we need greater understanding, not the fake judgemental kind.  The kind that happens when you realize you are capable of terrible wasteful things too.  The kind that happens when we realize we all are the same.


Us vs. Them

Posted in Uncategorized on March 5, 2013 by inretaliation

I try to stay away from marijuana issues on this blog, because so many do it so much better than I care to.  However, I have been becoming more and more concerned with the fate of our county.  Once again we are becoming divisive, I don’t know how many of you lived here when logging was the hot-button issue, but you were definitely either for or against, there was no middle ground.   We have made big jumps toward making marijuana the main issue in our county this year (as we should), first (for me) there was the tax on excessive electricity use in Arcata, and then the Lost Coast Outpost put up a google earth video  made by HIIMR, now we have the Draft Medical marijuana Outdoor Cultivation Ordinance.

Most pot farmers that I know are earth conscious and would love to be able to certify themselves as organic without repercussions from the government.  Their client base cares about such things and is willing to pay a little extra for the guarantee that their product is earth friendly.  When I was deep into horses the desirable thing was to have an animal that had a willingness to learn.  Your job as a rider was to make the right choice the easiest choice.  In order for government regulation to be successful it should make it easy to do the right thing.  We do not have to turn this into an us vs. them fight.  Growers are not all mindless greedy zombies, a lot of them helped to build or sustain the communities they work in.  They live here, attend schools here, bank here, shop here, read the newspapers here, donate money here, and attend art shows or benefits here.  Even if they are just greedy sub par humans it is still in their best interest to have ample clean water, and loamy clean soil that doesn’t wash away. Villainizing is the worst way to get people to listen.  We should make it easy for them, we could offer no blame clean up services, or alternative water and fertilizer solutions.  Come on you hippies, remember we are all connected, let’s use our minds to figure out a way we can all benefit.

Our new enemy should not be the only thing Humboldt County is world-famous for.  We could chase growers out of Humboldt County and watch it dissolve into one of those kitschy places between the ocean and the highway, where there are only low buildings, funny wood art shops, and a serious lack of teeth.  Or we could harness our power and keep Humboldt County a relevant name worldwide.images-1



Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 18, 2012 by inretaliation

I avoid confrontation, mostly because I am a coward.  It makes me nervous and shaky to talk to someone when I am upset with them.  My brain seems to go on hiatus, and my well planned out thoughts spew forth in a jumbled mess.  I am practicing but I cannot believe how much I let things that bother me go rather than deal with them in the moment.  The moment is really the only place to deal with things.  As soon as you let it pass relevance of any kind is lost forever, making anything you choose to say later weak and worthless.

I am so scared of facing things I allow other people in my life to get hurt rather than stand up for what is right.  It is really really depressing.  Sitting here in front of my computer I can come up with all sorts of plans of how I will confront the next issue.  These plans will make me feel confident and brave, then the moment happens and it’s all lost.  I am left grasping for any bit of strength I can find, and it turns out my brain has used that strength to run.  Ugh.

The worst people for me are my friends, I am frightened to tell them what I really think, I would rather avoid them for weeks on end, until no one but me remembers there was ever an issue.  Especially my male friends, in front of them I am the worst kind of female.  Because I do not hold people responsible for their reprehensible actions or speech, they do or say shitty things more often in my presence.  I watch others deal with the same situations with strength and grace, I envy that self-confidence, that poise.

So today I am going to tell myself once again that I can grow a spine.  I can feel it in me, I only need the timing to be correct.  This reminds me of a witty comeback problem, I would forgo access to witty comebacks for the rest of my life if only I could tell someone “Hey that was rude and uncalled for and I would appreciate it if you could reform your attitude”  Hell, I’d be happy with a simple “You’re annoying, leave me alone.”  Maybe then I will have more of the antonyms for confrontation in my life.


Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 17, 2012 by inretaliation

Another Presidential debate happened last night.  I was overwhelmingly unmotivated to watch it, I am also depressingly unmotivated to vote for any of the presidential candidates.  Not that I don’t like politics, I love being informed, and having an opinion (I have a crazy urge to follow that statement with a smily emoticon).   The truth is that I am bored, it is uninteresting to watch people lie or talk about things they don’t believe in.  I don’t want to vote because I do not think any of my options will help our country.  All we are doing now is damage control and I think they are all terrifically unsuited for the challenge.  Our country is in debt, our foreign policy is a joke, our education system is broken, I know I sound depressing but it is true.

We are still the United States of America, which is something worthwhile.  Our constitution is beautiful and inspiring, our drive for freedom is a small miracle.  Our country can be innovative, and determined.  We need our leaders to exemplify these things in order to find our strengths again.  The debate between Stewart and O’Reilly was interesting, because they were well-informed and believed in what they were saying, they were cutting, yet courteous. When did voting become picking the lesser of two evils, when did running for president become the world’s most expensive circus?  Our idea of leadership seems to have become robots who regurgitate stale values and putrid arguments, all the while kowtowing to the party lines.

Critique This

Posted in Uncategorized on August 14, 2011 by inretaliation

I love to read…I haven’t had much time for it lately, but usually I devour books.  I love art, galleries, museums, crazy yards along the roadside.  I love music, I live in a house where new wonderful music is almost a competition, every morning something new and beautiful is wafting out of the speakers.  I hate critics, it bothers me that anyone would assume to know what was going through an artists mind as they were creating.  It bothers me that they even want to figure it out, what is wrong with taking it for what it means to you?

I saw a picture this morning, that made me curious about the UK.  I avoid the news lately, I only know what is going on because Rhett tells me snippets, while I am washing dishes and he is drinking his morning coffee.  Anyway, I digress…the photo isntantly made me think “What the hell is going in England?”  It’s Sunday I have a little bit of time, so I looked up the riots.  It seems as if everything might be calming down, and now the experts are swooping in, trying to explain everything.  Why haven’t they figured out that the human condition is in a constant flux?  We are never going to figure out why people do things.  I can’t even figure out why I do half the things I do, how am I going to be arrogant enough to tell the people in the middle of the riots why they did it.  The BBC came up with the top ten reasons for the riots.  Most of them seem absolutely ridiculous.  Of course they have experts to corroborate their theories.  It is all very annoying and makes me remember why I don’t read the news.

The Competing Arguments For The Riots In London


photo via iZnoGoodGood

La Petite Mort

Posted in Uncategorized on August 11, 2011 by inretaliation

the little death, supposedly that is what the French call an orgasm… a good description on many levels. That is not what this post is about.

I have little deaths of huge parts of myself. I am currently working on my second one. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to rework myself into something I can love again. I guess I didn’t want to the first time it happened either. The first seemed easier because I gave up a huge part of who I thought I was, and things I desperately loved about myself, to become everything for someone else. I had to become something new and unknown and scary, but I had to for her; she was my reward.

Now I have to for me, it’s not just a difference or something new, it’s a failing, something I can’t do anymore. Something that other people look upon with pride, an essential part of the way the people I love live their lives, I cannot share. I have to be different, all the while thinking no less of myself. I have to accept myself as a lovely person despite the fact that I suck. All of this is difficult and I want to do it quietly and thoroughly. I want to do this with dignity, for no one but me. I want to say goodbye slowly and gracefully, a warm holding of the hand and a solid acceptance of the unknown. “Hey honey, thank you, we had some good times and I really appreciate you being there for me, but you can go now, you’ve held on as long as I needed you to.”

My only reward is a different me, a me that I am not entirely comfortable with.


Posted in Uncategorized on May 4, 2011 by inretaliation

Do you ever have something that you would really like to share with everyone because it makes you happy and proud? It contains sensitive information so you have to choose carefully who you tell, then when you begin, they look bored or disinterested? Such a bummer, oh well.


Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2011 by inretaliation

One thing is now clear: Sheen’s 15 minutes are over. Kaput. I don’t mean his 15 minutes of fame, of course, or even of infamy. I mean his 15 minutes of being a Rebel. For that, let’s make no mistake, is what this whole hellapalooza has been about: the prospect that Charlie Sheen, by saying whatever damn thing floats through his tiger blood and into his bizarrely semi-lucid crackpot brain and down to his hair-trigger mouth, could sort of, perhaps, just maybe be the Last Honest Man in a paralyzingly bogus media culture.

In the early stages of his madman meltdown phase, when he played the talk shows like a seasoned provocateur, or even on his public-access-style Webcasts, he created the sex-and-dope version of a Howard Beale mad-as-hell moment. He held out the prospect of danger, of saying the things that we aren’t allowed to say. And that, let’s be honest, became — at least to some of us — an addictive prospect, a slumming form of performance-art entertainment for an overly controlled, rule-bound, PR-driven, terminally politically correct, spin-cycle America. Which leads one to ask: What does a Howard Beale who has already had his mad-as-hell eruption do for an encore?

via Charlie Sheen at Radio City Music Hall: He’s not winning anymore. He’s losing, big time | Inside TV |

I just want everyone to know that I was really rooting for him to pull this off.  I wanted at least one honestly arrogant, holier than thou, I can say and do what I want, slightly intelligent, celebrity out there.  I would not have begrudged him his women, his drugs, his bad behavior, his sheer craziness, if only he could continue to be honest with a small semblance of sanity.  Now he is ruining it, like a dying star he has exploded in a flash of light.  He is bound for ridicule and pity, now, bummer.

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
Robert Frost


Posted in Uncategorized on March 14, 2011 by inretaliation

Saudi Arabia has sent troops to aid Bahrain’s royal family against protesters. It makes sense that they would do this. They are connected to Bahrain by the King Fahd Causeway and they are also ruled by a royal family. Bahrain has lots of oil and pearls, they are not a poor country. I don’t like it, bad things happen when one government tries to aid another in a fight against its own people. Saudi Arabia welcomed