Archive for smoking

Addicted

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 19, 2009 by inretaliation

I enjoy smoking.  I like the action, the fingers to the mouth, the deep inhale, and the long breath out.  I like the pause in the day, smoking-1the moment of nonthought.  I hate the smell and I don’t care for  the taste.  I am not a smoker, I can go days, weeks even without a cigarette.  I think this is a major drawback to quitting.  Why quit if it is not a problem, why give up something I have control over?  Maybe because it is proven to cause cancer and I have kids.  Maybe because I don’t want them to think that it is ok.  Maybe because my husband would love it if I did.  How about quitting for the improvement in my skin tone or the color of my teeth.  My energy level goes up when I don’t smoke.  But let me tell you the best reason why I don’t quit and the biggest reason why I should.  

The thought of a cigarette comes out of nowhere, usually while I am driving.  Then like the best meditator in the whole world the mantra repeats itself with increasing urgency until there is no other thought in my head.   Then I proceed to argue with myself until I pull into a gas station or find an excuse to visit someone I know who smokes.  

How do I change the chant or the clamoring in my brain?  How do I create a new mantra that boosts my will to drive past the smoke?  It scares me that I haven’t thought of one yet.  Why can’t any of those reasons listed above prove a stronger urgency?  Why don’t they win?