I enjoy smoking.  I like the action, the fingers to the mouth, the deep inhale, and the long breath out.  I like the pause in the day, smoking-1the moment of nonthought.  I hate the smell and I don’t care for  the taste.  I am not a smoker, I can go days, weeks even without a cigarette.  I think this is a major drawback to quitting.  Why quit if it is not a problem, why give up something I have control over?  Maybe because it is proven to cause cancer and I have kids.  Maybe because I don’t want them to think that it is ok.  Maybe because my husband would love it if I did.  How about quitting for the improvement in my skin tone or the color of my teeth.  My energy level goes up when I don’t smoke.  But let me tell you the best reason why I don’t quit and the biggest reason why I should.  

The thought of a cigarette comes out of nowhere, usually while I am driving.  Then like the best meditator in the whole world the mantra repeats itself with increasing urgency until there is no other thought in my head.   Then I proceed to argue with myself until I pull into a gas station or find an excuse to visit someone I know who smokes.  

How do I change the chant or the clamoring in my brain?  How do I create a new mantra that boosts my will to drive past the smoke?  It scares me that I haven’t thought of one yet.  Why can’t any of those reasons listed above prove a stronger urgency?  Why don’t they win?

2 Responses to “Addicted”

  1. If you find a mantra that works, will you lend it to me for food. I feel much of the same drive you describe.

  2. eel paradise Says:

    do you ever read david sedaris? his latest book has a lengthy piece on his efforts to quit smoking–his solution was to move to Tokyo for three months, apparently getting out of your normal routine is the route, or one of them…this guy is pretty hilarious, i get every book and haven’t been disappointed yet; laughed out loud five times with this one, i guess thats worth the 10$…

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