Archive for addiction


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 11, 2023 by inretaliation

It’s probably my mom’s fault I escaped the lures of the white powders.  She always seemed the most put together of anyone I knew.  Driven. Above. She didn’t make me not want to try any drugs, it’s just that the difference between her and her family was so stark.  The only difference I could see was the powders, so I steered clear.  Or maybe that’s all bullshit and being around addicts is the best way for some people to learn how not to be one.  I still haven’t done coke or meth although I have done plenty of other things.  Addiction was a bit of an extreme.  While I was around plenty of drugs my margin was skewed. Nobody I was around considered someone an addict until they started hurting other people to get their fix.  If you weren’t causing other people harm you were recreating and anyone who said different just didn’t know how to party.

It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I learned why addiction is considered a disease. Ha nah that’s when I wish I would have learned.  My dad was fun, ice cream and movies for no reason fun.  Turns out he was fun with his friends too until his wife threatened to leave him.  Then it was no more fun.  Then it was apologies and the Twelve Steps and lots of Jesus.  My sister was disdainful and pissed although that was kind of her go to mode so maybe she was ambivalent.  I did some pretty extraordinary mental gymnastics to make it all not his fault in my head.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  This is not my beautiful life.

The addiction portrayed on screen is so severe, Blow or the Godfather.  Or the one you see lying on the sidewalk wrapped in dirty blankets under the overhang.  Of course they have issues, who would choose to live like that except those who were not in their right mind or had no mind left with which to comprehend anything other than where their next fix is coming from.  Those are easy to judge and dismiss. “See I am not THAT bad, I’m doing ok, I have a job, a house, a family that loves me.”  The addiction I am intimate with is quiet, mostly controlled, secret, and above all functional.

For those of you who have never been a cigarette smoker I feel bad for you.  There is something exquisite about that first drag.  The long inhalation of smoke deep into your lungs, the sharp taste filling your mouth and leaking out your nose. The extra inhale of fresh air at the end just to make sure you can feel the smoke push into every seam in your body.  It’s delicious.  I definitely don’t think anyone should start smoking just to feel that but it is a pleasure you have missed.  My first boyfriend was a smoker, he came from a family of smokers. He and his friends would gather up all the used butts when they were out of tobacco, squeeze the dregs of tobacco out and roll new ones.  There is a goddamn slang term for this that I can’t remember, I just tried to google it but nope only one I got was snipe and that was certainly not it.  Anyway I managed to avoid this habit until I went to Europe.  You try hanging out with a bunch of desperate models and not smoking. It was weird enough that I wouldn’t do coke. I couldn’t be a complete goody goody.  I had dabbled before Europe, I loved that most girly of cigarettes, the clove, but hell those were expensive. Anyway after three months hanging out in clubs with insanely beautiful people trying desperately to fit in or at least blend a little I came back to the US a full fledged unapologetic smoker.


Posted in home, pop culture with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2023 by inretaliation

It’s the forms that tipped me off, you know the ones in the doctor’s office they make you fill out every single goddamn time you go in.  I just assumed we all lied, everyone in the whole world lies on those forms.  Maybe not the people who don’t do anything bad, but then I think they probably lie on some part of it right…like maybe how many days a month they think of self harm.  If we all lie the doctors must be onto us. They are supposed to be smarter than us, although they could think “why would anyone lie to their caretaker? It would make their care ineffective”.  If everyone lies there have probably been studies on the range of lying and then they can average out what is actually the truth.  So if you say on the form you only drink one drink a day and you only smoke a pack every three days, and you only partake of one recreational drug very occasionally, they know you’re lying right and they just apply a margin of error and that’s why they look at you like they know the truth and are disappointed in you. So I started thinking it was a waste of time to lie on the form, but I couldn’t write down the truth.  When you write it down like that it looks worse than it actually is and you want to use all the time in the appointment explaining how much of an addict you are not.  They recently began this new well child thing where they ask your kids all these questions about you also.  Shiver. I do not want my kids to feel shame about me. If you don’t have kids don’t worry they still ask the kids if anyone they are acquainted with does, you know, DARE stuff.

It seems as if I have always known about addiction. I am sure it helped that I grew up in the Regan era, thank you war on drugs for making them even cooler.  Do you guys remember that fried egg commercial? Brilliant.  Anyway that isn’t why I knew, I have the distinction of coming from a family of addicts.  Don’t picture trainspotting or the inner city.  My family’s drug of choice was meth.  Meth seems to be the poor white rural person’s drug, I am not trying to be exclusive here, drugs do not discriminate, they leave that to the doers. I grew up in a mill town. The mill was the biggest job provider with the county being a close second.  Our mill was running 24 hours a day like most mills.  This is before the whole tree sitting thing gained traction. There was a culture inside the mill and meth was prevalent in that culture.  Actually I would like to back up a second. I am pretty sure my grandma did meth and she wasn’t anywhere near a mill until much later in her life. Forget about me trying to explain the goddamn mill.  People are social creatures they like to experience what their fellow man is experiencing. It’s why abstinence has not and will not ever work in mass numbers. It’s not like I was toddling around the house and I found pipes or little baggies or anything.  It was one of those things you just knew.  Adults can be dumb sometimes and they forget how knowledge seems to beam itself into a kid.  Kids don’t have to see or be told it just appears in their consciousness. Although there was this one time my sister and I were in our dad’s friend’s house, they were probably a tax bracket above us, and I was snooping around and opened the cabinet under the coffee table.  There was a mirror with a razor and a can full of white powder.  Again I am not sure I was old enough to know that it was cocaine, but I definitely knew I shouldn’t be anywhere near it.