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FUNCTIONAL pt. 1

Posted in home, pop culture with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2023 by inretaliation

It’s the forms that tipped me off, you know the ones in the doctor’s office they make you fill out every single goddamn time you go in.  I just assumed we all lied, everyone in the whole world lies on those forms.  Maybe not the people who don’t do anything bad, but then I think they probably lie on some part of it right…like maybe how many days a month they think of self harm.  If we all lie the doctors must be onto us. They are supposed to be smarter than us, although they could think “why would anyone lie to their caretaker? It would make their care ineffective”.  If everyone lies there have probably been studies on the range of lying and then they can average out what is actually the truth.  So if you say on the form you only drink one drink a day and you only smoke a pack every three days, and you only partake of one recreational drug very occasionally, they know you’re lying right and they just apply a margin of error and that’s why they look at you like they know the truth and are disappointed in you. So I started thinking it was a waste of time to lie on the form, but I couldn’t write down the truth.  When you write it down like that it looks worse than it actually is and you want to use all the time in the appointment explaining how much of an addict you are not.  They recently began this new well child thing where they ask your kids all these questions about you also.  Shiver. I do not want my kids to feel shame about me. If you don’t have kids don’t worry they still ask the kids if anyone they are acquainted with does, you know, DARE stuff.

It seems as if I have always known about addiction. I am sure it helped that I grew up in the Regan era, thank you war on drugs for making them even cooler.  Do you guys remember that fried egg commercial? Brilliant.  Anyway that isn’t why I knew, I have the distinction of coming from a family of addicts.  Don’t picture trainspotting or the inner city.  My family’s drug of choice was meth.  Meth seems to be the poor white rural person’s drug, I am not trying to be exclusive here, drugs do not discriminate, they leave that to the doers. I grew up in a mill town. The mill was the biggest job provider with the county being a close second.  Our mill was running 24 hours a day like most mills.  This is before the whole tree sitting thing gained traction. There was a culture inside the mill and meth was prevalent in that culture.  Actually I would like to back up a second. I am pretty sure my grandma did meth and she wasn’t anywhere near a mill until much later in her life. Forget about me trying to explain the goddamn mill.  People are social creatures they like to experience what their fellow man is experiencing. It’s why abstinence has not and will not ever work in mass numbers. It’s not like I was toddling around the house and I found pipes or little baggies or anything.  It was one of those things you just knew.  Adults can be dumb sometimes and they forget how knowledge seems to beam itself into a kid.  Kids don’t have to see or be told it just appears in their consciousness. Although there was this one time my sister and I were in our dad’s friend’s house, they were probably a tax bracket above us, and I was snooping around and opened the cabinet under the coffee table.  There was a mirror with a razor and a can full of white powder.  Again I am not sure I was old enough to know that it was cocaine, but I definitely knew I shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

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Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on March 3, 2011 by inretaliation

Cleaning the toilet makes you think differently about the people in your household.

“How did that get there?”

A website with pretty pictures of people whose toilets I will never have to clean:  This Is Not Porn

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Trivial

Posted in community, Humboldt County with tags , , , on January 13, 2011 by inretaliation

I have a black eye today.  I was having a really bad day yesterday, everything seemed to be going wrong.  I finally got home and we were out of water. arrrrrr!  So I went to change the filter, only the last time I changed the filter we did not have underground water lines.  I had no clue where the filter was anymore,  I was following all the lines I could see in the growing darkness, which meant clambering all over wet sloppy hills.  One deer trail decided to give out beneath me and I slid all the way down to the creek.  On the way down a branch slammed across my eyes.  I actually have one puffy eye and one black eye.  I gave up and walked back to the house to find that my husband had arrived.  I was instantly mad that he didn’t come and help me (I had told the kids where I was going).  Of course my lovely children had no idea where I was because they hadn’t paid any attention to me.  I asked where the hell the water filter was, and was mortified to find that it is on the side of the house DAMN!  I went to try to change it and couldn’t unscrew it. DAMN!  I was beginning to cry which just frustrates me more.  I really gave up and asked Rhett to please do it for me, DAMN!

I love having a black eye though, it somehow makes me feel tougher.  Maybe I got in a fight in a bar, or maybe I took up boxing.  Don’t believe it, I fell and then I cried about it. I am so glad yesterday is over.

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Down To Four

Posted in community with tags , , on November 11, 2010 by inretaliation

Rhett and I decided to build our own house.  This was a very naive decision.  Everything always takes longer than you think.  You always need more help than you had planned on.  We have been living with people on our property since May of 2009.  We are finally done, I just waved goodbye to the last of our helpers.  I have been giddy for days at the thought of having my little family to myself again.  Today surprised me though, we have had a lot of people around for the last month trying to finish up before the rains.  Today I said goodbye to them all, and now I am pensive.  I have been wandering around the house finding little things they left behind and piling them one on top of the other in the hopes that someday I will be driven enough to send them along.

Our last group of people were particularly cohesive.  Sure, there was drama but not very much.  They all paid attention to my kids, and let them climb all over them.  They ignored me when I was moody.  They took extra care when Rhett was sullen.  They laughed with us a lot.  I can honestly say I loved having all of them.

There is a bond that forms between family members.  You know each other so well.  Its different when other people are around, I am always aware of where they are (probably because I am very nosy).  I know that I tone my attitude down most of the time (not all the time).  There is a little bit of stress that comes from holding your tongue.

What is our family going to be like now?  Will we relate to each other differently?  Will it be better?  Or not?  Are we so used to having other people around we won’t be able to function well without them?

I am sitting with my daughters while one draws and the other does homework.  We are going to have a pot pie for dinner.  They are going to take a giant bubble bath, then we will all snuggle up in my bed and watch movies.  I think we will be a little more boring, but excellent all the same.

So much love, and encouragement, and excitement to all of those who have left me.  You have changed me for the better, thank you (with way more meaning than those two plain words can possibly express).

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Sweet Music

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 18, 2010 by inretaliation

I have found a way to enjoy housework! Headphones. Nobody bothers me, because I can’t hear them. The music sends me to a different place , and it doesn’t annoy me how bad the garbage can smells.

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Alone

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 17, 2010 by inretaliation

I’m a housewife so it goes without saying that I am very seldom alone.  I chose my way of life at a very early age so I have not ever been able to experience being alone.  Rhett just took the girls to see his mother.  He is rather indebted to me lately so I got to stay home.  For five days.  Alone.

I was rather nervous.  What if I can’t handle it and start making up excuses to go see people?  Even worse what if it is really really enjoyable, and I lose some appreciation for my family life? 

Well the computer kept me from needing human contact.  I would like to try it again someday without an avenue of communication.  I ended up canceling outings I had planned.  I have been walking around with permagrin.  This is bad.  I need to figure out how to incorporate this feeling into every day life.  The problem is that the main thing I enjoy about being by myself is the only thing I can’t have with my family.  Children need routine, they thrive on it.  With them I have to do things at certain times and it takes me longer to do them.

I recently gave a friend who was having sexual relation problems some very good advice.  I told her to fake it.  Now don’t get all pissy.  Men are not the only ones who fall for this tactic.  Women fall for it too, if you are really good at faking it you end up enjoying yourself.  I think this is what I have to do with my every day life.  I have spent so much time feeling like as long as I was taking care of someone else, or doing repetitive chores that never end, I was missing out on something else.  If you asked me I would tell you that I love my life, but I don’t necessarily act like I do on a daily basis.  I need to start faking it.  I will have plenty of time to be alone later.  I need to change my habit of walking around like I am sooo put upon.

Being alone made me realize that I can enjoy each moment no matter what I have to do.  Thank you Rhett I needed that.

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Our Land

Posted in community, Humboldt County, politics with tags , on April 2, 2009 by inretaliation

That one little word conjures up so many emotions for me.  My parents raised me to believe that it was the only worthwhile investment.  My mother also thought that its collection was the best way to save the environment.  She worked for a Federal Government agency that was trying to clean up the messes that logging had made in Trinity County.  She felt cheated when she found out that BLM leases some of their land to logging companies.  Tax dollars were being used to cause the problem and to clean it up.  She thought nonprofits such as Sanctuary Forest were much smarter than activists who insisted the Federal Government intervene to save the land.  (My sister and I thought it was hilarious that she was married to a millworker.)

With the county gearing up for the adoption of a new General Plan, it seems as if our County’s dividing lines are becoming plain again.  Change is soooo scary.  That doesn’t mean that it is not necessary.  I live around a bunch of really big ranches.  I love driving or hiking by big rolling hills and large stands of forests.  I have friends who recently went in together and bought one of these large ranches.  I couldn’t believe it when they were successful in ending their partnership with each of them having their own land and still being friends.  The ranch was made up of several small parcels.  Some part of me was a little saddened to see the ranch broken up into 4 separate homestead sites.  Two of the partners are now selling a total of four parcels that are across the road from where they are putting their houses.  Wells will have to be drilled and the rolling hills will be broken up by houses and outbuildings.

I have been accused of being a hypocrite.  I have my land, now no one else should be able to buy land around me.  I spent 7 years living here and working here and searching for available land before I found it within my price range.  I don’t mind people buying raw land and building on it.  I just want the big ranches saved or at least not broken up into 10 acre parcels.  It takes me 25 minutes to get my daughters to school because I like it that way.  I want to be far away.  I think one of the biggest banes of this country’s existence is suburbia.  I think there should be rural land and urban land, not rolling hills of track homes.  Cities should build up not out.  Or at least up faster than out. Rural land should be for hardy, resourceful people.  Those who are willing to wait and watch diligently for their opportunity.

In preparation for this post I listened to HumCPR’s meeting that happened on March 19th.  The people who spoke were very well informed. It is worth listening to, HumCPR meeting at Healy Senior Center I am not sure I agree with how scary they seem to think everything is.  They very seldom mention the fact that there are four different versions of the plan under consideration.  This is my favorite map to look at. General Plan Map I love seeing how the different versions will effect different places. (Especially mine)

How do we make room for all the people who want to share our lifestyle while retaining the lifestyle?humboldt-county-california-660973-g

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Plugged In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 25, 2009 by inretaliation

1224491855400I am back from a computer vacation.  I was housesitting for some friends and they lived beyond telephone lines.  Their house is beautiful and comfortable.  I really enjoyed being out of touch.  I didn’t go as many places because I didn’t now anything was happening.  I wasn’t concerned about the economy or the war because I was not getting daily updates.  I had fun being with my kids and not being so concerned with what needed to be done.  Without the computer or the phone I had more time to catch up.  I wonder how much of my day is spent waiting for pages to load or trying to fix little glitches.  I must admit at the end of two weeks I was a little  anxious.  I had finished three books and knitted a ball of yarn (I am a beginner so this is exciting for me).  I wasn’t home so I couldn’t really start new projects.  The last two days I became irritable and lazy.  

It felt really good to clean that house and return to my own.  Now I have access to all sorts of things to do, starting the garden, cleaning, working on the house, sewing, pruning.  I am not doing any of them though, I plugged in as soon as I woke up this morning.

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