Archive for family

FUNCTIONAL pt. 1

Posted in home, pop culture with tags , , , , , , on January 4, 2023 by inretaliation

It’s the forms that tipped me off, you know the ones in the doctor’s office they make you fill out every single goddamn time you go in.  I just assumed we all lied, everyone in the whole world lies on those forms.  Maybe not the people who don’t do anything bad, but then I think they probably lie on some part of it right…like maybe how many days a month they think of self harm.  If we all lie the doctors must be onto us. They are supposed to be smarter than us, although they could think “why would anyone lie to their caretaker? It would make their care ineffective”.  If everyone lies there have probably been studies on the range of lying and then they can average out what is actually the truth.  So if you say on the form you only drink one drink a day and you only smoke a pack every three days, and you only partake of one recreational drug very occasionally, they know you’re lying right and they just apply a margin of error and that’s why they look at you like they know the truth and are disappointed in you. So I started thinking it was a waste of time to lie on the form, but I couldn’t write down the truth.  When you write it down like that it looks worse than it actually is and you want to use all the time in the appointment explaining how much of an addict you are not.  They recently began this new well child thing where they ask your kids all these questions about you also.  Shiver. I do not want my kids to feel shame about me. If you don’t have kids don’t worry they still ask the kids if anyone they are acquainted with does, you know, DARE stuff.

It seems as if I have always known about addiction. I am sure it helped that I grew up in the Regan era, thank you war on drugs for making them even cooler.  Do you guys remember that fried egg commercial? Brilliant.  Anyway that isn’t why I knew, I have the distinction of coming from a family of addicts.  Don’t picture trainspotting or the inner city.  My family’s drug of choice was meth.  Meth seems to be the poor white rural person’s drug, I am not trying to be exclusive here, drugs do not discriminate, they leave that to the doers. I grew up in a mill town. The mill was the biggest job provider with the county being a close second.  Our mill was running 24 hours a day like most mills.  This is before the whole tree sitting thing gained traction. There was a culture inside the mill and meth was prevalent in that culture.  Actually I would like to back up a second. I am pretty sure my grandma did meth and she wasn’t anywhere near a mill until much later in her life. Forget about me trying to explain the goddamn mill.  People are social creatures they like to experience what their fellow man is experiencing. It’s why abstinence has not and will not ever work in mass numbers. It’s not like I was toddling around the house and I found pipes or little baggies or anything.  It was one of those things you just knew.  Adults can be dumb sometimes and they forget how knowledge seems to beam itself into a kid.  Kids don’t have to see or be told it just appears in their consciousness. Although there was this one time my sister and I were in our dad’s friend’s house, they were probably a tax bracket above us, and I was snooping around and opened the cabinet under the coffee table.  There was a mirror with a razor and a can full of white powder.  Again I am not sure I was old enough to know that it was cocaine, but I definitely knew I shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

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Death Camp

Posted in home with tags , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2011 by inretaliation

I bet I have you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside already with that title.  I have been joking with Rhett the last couple of days about the death camp I am running here.

I had ducks and chickens shipped to me.  I have done this before and been successful.  Not this time, it has been 6 days and they are still dying.  I don’t get it, usually if they are going to die they do it within 24 hours, which most of them did, but we are still getting one dead fowl a day at least.  Let me put this in perspective for you, I ordered 26 chicks and 10 ducklings, we have 3 chickens left.  It has been a massacre in my house.  I wake up every three hours in the middle of the night to change their hot water bottle, they have fresh food and water, they have a lamp, they are next to the fire, they aren’t too hot because they snuggle the hot water bottle, I gave them a very little sugar in their water when they arrived.  Dead animals don’t usually bother me, but the ducklings were really cute and they would have been our first ones.

My daughter is having a sleepover tonight, when the parents brought her friend over, they ran over our dog.  He is dead.  They deserve to be defended, our dog is a pug puppy, he is little.  They were turning around so they were probably not even going a mile per hour, the dog leaped off the porch, (he just got big enough to do that) and ran under their tire. Dammit, that was dumb. I kinda liked that dog. I had to dig a grave, because Rhett is in town, then I had to let the girls say goodbye.  I love my girls, they cried for about 10 seconds, then ran off to play in the treehouse. (Maybe I should make them come down from there) Nobody should bring any vulnerable animals to my house for the foreseeable future. I am sad

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Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on March 3, 2011 by inretaliation

Cleaning the toilet makes you think differently about the people in your household.

“How did that get there?”

A website with pretty pictures of people whose toilets I will never have to clean:  This Is Not Porn

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a memory

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 30, 2010 by inretaliation

I slept with my girls last night.  Actually I slept curled around my oldest.  She has always fit me.  Rhett likes to sleep with Scarlet, but for me it’s Melanie.  On her first night I was a little nervous to be too close, so I gave her about 5 inches of space, and rested my hand on her exquisitely soft, unbelievable small, back.  When she woke up hungry with her soft little mewlings, (she has always been quiet) I was awkward.  I tried to sit up and hold her to my chest but I was sooo tired.  It was my doula who told me I could nurse lying down.  Again, at first I was awkward, I couldn’t figure out where to put my arm.  My breasts were gigantic and hard with milk, so I had to tip her delicate, little head up just slightly.  There was so much milk at first I thought I was going to drown her.  It didn’t help that once one was activated the other would go too.  I had to make Rhett get up, and find me a small towel.  Once I had my arm tucked under my own head and the towel draped over the unused breast I relaxed.  I brought my knees up to curl around her.  I was astounded by how well she fit.  Her soft little feet just touched my thighs while her tiny body pressed against every inch of my stomach and ribcage.  It felt as if we had melted together.  She was my own skin divided and come back to me.

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Down To Four

Posted in community with tags , , on November 11, 2010 by inretaliation

Rhett and I decided to build our own house.  This was a very naive decision.  Everything always takes longer than you think.  You always need more help than you had planned on.  We have been living with people on our property since May of 2009.  We are finally done, I just waved goodbye to the last of our helpers.  I have been giddy for days at the thought of having my little family to myself again.  Today surprised me though, we have had a lot of people around for the last month trying to finish up before the rains.  Today I said goodbye to them all, and now I am pensive.  I have been wandering around the house finding little things they left behind and piling them one on top of the other in the hopes that someday I will be driven enough to send them along.

Our last group of people were particularly cohesive.  Sure, there was drama but not very much.  They all paid attention to my kids, and let them climb all over them.  They ignored me when I was moody.  They took extra care when Rhett was sullen.  They laughed with us a lot.  I can honestly say I loved having all of them.

There is a bond that forms between family members.  You know each other so well.  Its different when other people are around, I am always aware of where they are (probably because I am very nosy).  I know that I tone my attitude down most of the time (not all the time).  There is a little bit of stress that comes from holding your tongue.

What is our family going to be like now?  Will we relate to each other differently?  Will it be better?  Or not?  Are we so used to having other people around we won’t be able to function well without them?

I am sitting with my daughters while one draws and the other does homework.  We are going to have a pot pie for dinner.  They are going to take a giant bubble bath, then we will all snuggle up in my bed and watch movies.  I think we will be a little more boring, but excellent all the same.

So much love, and encouragement, and excitement to all of those who have left me.  You have changed me for the better, thank you (with way more meaning than those two plain words can possibly express).

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Alone

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 17, 2010 by inretaliation

I’m a housewife so it goes without saying that I am very seldom alone.  I chose my way of life at a very early age so I have not ever been able to experience being alone.  Rhett just took the girls to see his mother.  He is rather indebted to me lately so I got to stay home.  For five days.  Alone.

I was rather nervous.  What if I can’t handle it and start making up excuses to go see people?  Even worse what if it is really really enjoyable, and I lose some appreciation for my family life? 

Well the computer kept me from needing human contact.  I would like to try it again someday without an avenue of communication.  I ended up canceling outings I had planned.  I have been walking around with permagrin.  This is bad.  I need to figure out how to incorporate this feeling into every day life.  The problem is that the main thing I enjoy about being by myself is the only thing I can’t have with my family.  Children need routine, they thrive on it.  With them I have to do things at certain times and it takes me longer to do them.

I recently gave a friend who was having sexual relation problems some very good advice.  I told her to fake it.  Now don’t get all pissy.  Men are not the only ones who fall for this tactic.  Women fall for it too, if you are really good at faking it you end up enjoying yourself.  I think this is what I have to do with my every day life.  I have spent so much time feeling like as long as I was taking care of someone else, or doing repetitive chores that never end, I was missing out on something else.  If you asked me I would tell you that I love my life, but I don’t necessarily act like I do on a daily basis.  I need to start faking it.  I will have plenty of time to be alone later.  I need to change my habit of walking around like I am sooo put upon.

Being alone made me realize that I can enjoy each moment no matter what I have to do.  Thank you Rhett I needed that.

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