Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Dreaming

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by inretaliation

Sometimes I am disheveled, dark, and, moody.  Those are the times I most need to write, and those are the times when I mostly don’t.  I am too caught up in my own head to conjure up a complete sentence that doesn’t drip of self pity.  I have this dream in my head of how I would most like my life to be.  Dreams seem to me, to be a double edge sword.  While on one hand it would be terrible to live your life without dreams or without them ever coming to fruition, on the other hand sometimes we choose the wrong dreams.  Sometimes the dreams we choose are no good for us.  (haha I have just thought of a million ways people I know could misconstrue what I just wrote.) Sometimes you have no way of knowing until it comes true, which kind of dream it is.  I have this dream that has the potential to set us free, or to rip us apart.  I am pursuing this dream which sometimes makes me feel like a great crusader, and sometimes it makes me feel like an evil stupid villain. I find that I need all my knowing of myself.  I need to be constantly maintaining a good healthy thought process about myself.  I am always questioning my own motives about everything I do.  I have huge doubts about my cleanliness of heart.  I am finding little ways I manipulate people and situations to serve in my best interest, and I am finally finding that in no way is that manipulation mutually beneficial.  I am learning to admit my biggest secrets in order to watch them grow small, at least in my eyes. (which I am finding might be the ones that count the most)  The world is not the way I would like it to be.  It is sometimes greater than I could ever imagine, and sometimes a dreary, slogging (it’s raining outside) mudslide of terrible intentions.  I am more arrogant, controlling, and wickedly silly than I ever thought I was, but how could I ever change those things if I couldn’t see them.  I am vulnerable, and needy, but I am able to give as good as I get.  I am done trying to fit in to a society I don’t even admire.  Oh my goodness, I had better be right.

a memory

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 30, 2010 by inretaliation

I slept with my girls last night.  Actually I slept curled around my oldest.  She has always fit me.  Rhett likes to sleep with Scarlet, but for me it’s Melanie.  On her first night I was a little nervous to be too close, so I gave her about 5 inches of space, and rested my hand on her exquisitely soft, unbelievable small, back.  When she woke up hungry with her soft little mewlings, (she has always been quiet) I was awkward.  I tried to sit up and hold her to my chest but I was sooo tired.  It was my doula who told me I could nurse lying down.  Again, at first I was awkward, I couldn’t figure out where to put my arm.  My breasts were gigantic and hard with milk, so I had to tip her delicate, little head up just slightly.  There was so much milk at first I thought I was going to drown her.  It didn’t help that once one was activated the other would go too.  I had to make Rhett get up, and find me a small towel.  Once I had my arm tucked under my own head and the towel draped over the unused breast I relaxed.  I brought my knees up to curl around her.  I was astounded by how well she fit.  Her soft little feet just touched my thighs while her tiny body pressed against every inch of my stomach and ribcage.  It felt as if we had melted together.  She was my own skin divided and come back to me.

Sweet Music

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 18, 2010 by inretaliation

I have found a way to enjoy housework! Headphones. Nobody bothers me, because I can’t hear them. The music sends me to a different place , and it doesn’t annoy me how bad the garbage can smells.

Change Your Mind

Posted in Uncategorized on June 9, 2010 by inretaliation

I hate to change plans.  I get really worked up about it.  Although if there is something I want and whatever I am doing is not getting it, I can switch things up at the drop of a hat.  I have been doing that a lot recently.  I am almost done with the most hectically emotional year of my life.  I just have to make it to the end of August.  I am happy though, I feel light and free.  Open in a way I haven’t ever really experienced before.

I spent so much of this year in my head replaying or imagining horrible heart wrenching scenarios. (See previous post My Betrayal)  It all lead up to one drastic escape from character, which changed the way I thought about everything.  I began to accept myself for who I am.  Not just the fun easy me I am on my best days.  All of it, even my deepest darkest thoughts, wants, and needs.  It feels so good not to feel afraid or guilty for who I am.

Now I can’t understand why I chose to hang on to my expectations for so long.  Why do we insist on feeling guilty for things that we think or feel? Why are you scared to let go?  To not care what other people think or believe about you.  I am and will always be the only one who knows me anyway.  I will be misunderstood no matter what I choose to do, I might as well choose a way that feels right.

Evolve or you will be left behind.

Free Edward Sharpe Tickets

Posted in Uncategorized on May 24, 2010 by inretaliation

I have two PDF file tickets to Edward Sharpe at the Henry Miller Library on May 26th, in Big Sur. Sadly, we cannot attend.
Entertainment is more important than money at this point. So here is our challenge to you. Send us an essay or video encompassing any realm of your choosing. Since Edward Sharpe will not be entertaining us it falls upon you. Rise to the occasion. We will get all Simon Cowell on your ass tomorrow morning.

Sincerely
Your Fairy Godmother

Ok people I understand you might think this is a scam. It’s not. We only received two replies, the deadline is extended until midnight tonight. I will email you the tickets then. This is a sold out show in an intimate venue. We paid a lot of money for these tickets and are willing to give them to you. Please be brave.

reply to ptownpirate4@gmail.com

The Oldest Profession

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 17, 2010 by inretaliation

A new article in the Guardian attempts to explain why men see prostitutes.

I interviewed 12 of the men, and found it a fascinating experience. One told me about his experience of childhood cruelty and neglect and linked this to his inability to form close ­relationships with anyone, particularly women. Alex admitted sex with ­prostitutes made him feel empty, but he had no idea how to get to know women “through the usual routes”. When I asked him about his feelings ­towards the women he buys he said that on the one hand, he wants ­prostitutes to get to know and like him and, on the other, he is “not under ­delusions” that the encounters are anything like a real relationship.

I felt compassion for Alex. No one had shown him how to form a bond with another human being and he was searching for something that commercial sex was never going to provide.

But another of the interviewees left me feeling concerned. Darren was young, good-looking and bright; I asked him how often he thought the women he paid enjoyed the sex. “I don’t want them to get any pleasure,” he told me. “I am paying for it and it is her job to give me pleasure. If she enjoys it I would feel cheated.” I asked if he felt prostitutes were different to other women. “The fact that they’re prepared to do that job where others won’t, even when they’re skint, means there’s some capability inside them that permits them to do it and not be disgusted,” he said. He seemed full of a festering, potentially explosive misogyny.

One of the most interesting findings was that many believed men would “need” to rape if they could not pay for sex on demand. One told me, “Sometimes you might rape someone: you can go to a prostitute instead.” Another put it like this: “A desperate man who wants sex so bad, he needs sex to be relieved. He might rape.” I concluded from this that it’s not feminists such as Andrea Dworkin and myself who are responsible for the idea that all men are potential rapists – it’s sometimes men themselves

I think the author misses the mark on a couple of issues.  First she seems to believe these men when they portray themselves as victims.  Second both the author and one of her interviewees, make the assumption that there would be many more rapes if prostitution is unavailable.  I didn’t realize men couldn’t control themselves at all.  She then goes on to say that most of the prostitutes have been tricked or trafficked into their profession.  I do not want to downplay the seriousness of human trafficking, but as in most illegal activities those without any morals give the whole game a bad name.  There are any number of women who mindfully chose their profession.

I think if we were to stop vilifying sexual encounters more of us would have healthy happy relationships.  (by sexual encounters I do not mean to condone adultery)

Here is the full story

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/jan/15/why-men-use-prostitutes#start-of-comments

Alone

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 17, 2010 by inretaliation

I’m a housewife so it goes without saying that I am very seldom alone.  I chose my way of life at a very early age so I have not ever been able to experience being alone.  Rhett just took the girls to see his mother.  He is rather indebted to me lately so I got to stay home.  For five days.  Alone.

I was rather nervous.  What if I can’t handle it and start making up excuses to go see people?  Even worse what if it is really really enjoyable, and I lose some appreciation for my family life? 

Well the computer kept me from needing human contact.  I would like to try it again someday without an avenue of communication.  I ended up canceling outings I had planned.  I have been walking around with permagrin.  This is bad.  I need to figure out how to incorporate this feeling into every day life.  The problem is that the main thing I enjoy about being by myself is the only thing I can’t have with my family.  Children need routine, they thrive on it.  With them I have to do things at certain times and it takes me longer to do them.

I recently gave a friend who was having sexual relation problems some very good advice.  I told her to fake it.  Now don’t get all pissy.  Men are not the only ones who fall for this tactic.  Women fall for it too, if you are really good at faking it you end up enjoying yourself.  I think this is what I have to do with my every day life.  I have spent so much time feeling like as long as I was taking care of someone else, or doing repetitive chores that never end, I was missing out on something else.  If you asked me I would tell you that I love my life, but I don’t necessarily act like I do on a daily basis.  I need to start faking it.  I will have plenty of time to be alone later.  I need to change my habit of walking around like I am sooo put upon.

Being alone made me realize that I can enjoy each moment no matter what I have to do.  Thank you Rhett I needed that.

Addicted

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 19, 2009 by inretaliation

I enjoy smoking.  I like the action, the fingers to the mouth, the deep inhale, and the long breath out.  I like the pause in the day, smoking-1the moment of nonthought.  I hate the smell and I don’t care for  the taste.  I am not a smoker, I can go days, weeks even without a cigarette.  I think this is a major drawback to quitting.  Why quit if it is not a problem, why give up something I have control over?  Maybe because it is proven to cause cancer and I have kids.  Maybe because I don’t want them to think that it is ok.  Maybe because my husband would love it if I did.  How about quitting for the improvement in my skin tone or the color of my teeth.  My energy level goes up when I don’t smoke.  But let me tell you the best reason why I don’t quit and the biggest reason why I should.  

The thought of a cigarette comes out of nowhere, usually while I am driving.  Then like the best meditator in the whole world the mantra repeats itself with increasing urgency until there is no other thought in my head.   Then I proceed to argue with myself until I pull into a gas station or find an excuse to visit someone I know who smokes.  

How do I change the chant or the clamoring in my brain?  How do I create a new mantra that boosts my will to drive past the smoke?  It scares me that I haven’t thought of one yet.  Why can’t any of those reasons listed above prove a stronger urgency?  Why don’t they win?

Plugged In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 25, 2009 by inretaliation

1224491855400I am back from a computer vacation.  I was housesitting for some friends and they lived beyond telephone lines.  Their house is beautiful and comfortable.  I really enjoyed being out of touch.  I didn’t go as many places because I didn’t now anything was happening.  I wasn’t concerned about the economy or the war because I was not getting daily updates.  I had fun being with my kids and not being so concerned with what needed to be done.  Without the computer or the phone I had more time to catch up.  I wonder how much of my day is spent waiting for pages to load or trying to fix little glitches.  I must admit at the end of two weeks I was a little  anxious.  I had finished three books and knitted a ball of yarn (I am a beginner so this is exciting for me).  I wasn’t home so I couldn’t really start new projects.  The last two days I became irritable and lazy.  

It felt really good to clean that house and return to my own.  Now I have access to all sorts of things to do, starting the garden, cleaning, working on the house, sewing, pruning.  I am not doing any of them though, I plugged in as soon as I woke up this morning.

A beginning

Posted in Uncategorized on January 11, 2009 by inretaliation

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I am sitting in the winter sun listening to my kids argue.  I am trying not to be terrified that I am writing something someone other than me might see.  

I am not a quick retort.  I always think of the best thing to say hours or maybe even days after a confrontation.  Here I will begin to practice saying my piece with eloquence.

Good luck to me.