Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Downfall

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2011 by inretaliation

One thing is now clear: Sheen’s 15 minutes are over. Kaput. I don’t mean his 15 minutes of fame, of course, or even of infamy. I mean his 15 minutes of being a Rebel. For that, let’s make no mistake, is what this whole hellapalooza has been about: the prospect that Charlie Sheen, by saying whatever damn thing floats through his tiger blood and into his bizarrely semi-lucid crackpot brain and down to his hair-trigger mouth, could sort of, perhaps, just maybe be the Last Honest Man in a paralyzingly bogus media culture.

In the early stages of his madman meltdown phase, when he played the talk shows like a seasoned provocateur, or even on his public-access-style Webcasts, he created the sex-and-dope version of a Howard Beale mad-as-hell moment. He held out the prospect of danger, of saying the things that we aren’t allowed to say. And that, let’s be honest, became — at least to some of us — an addictive prospect, a slumming form of performance-art entertainment for an overly controlled, rule-bound, PR-driven, terminally politically correct, spin-cycle America. Which leads one to ask: What does a Howard Beale who has already had his mad-as-hell eruption do for an encore?

via Charlie Sheen at Radio City Music Hall: He’s not winning anymore. He’s losing, big time | Inside TV | EW.com.

I just want everyone to know that I was really rooting for him to pull this off.  I wanted at least one honestly arrogant, holier than thou, I can say and do what I want, slightly intelligent, celebrity out there.  I would not have begrudged him his women, his drugs, his bad behavior, his sheer craziness, if only he could continue to be honest with a small semblance of sanity.  Now he is ruining it, like a dying star he has exploded in a flash of light.  He is bound for ridicule and pity, now, bummer.

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
Robert Frost

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Bahrain

Posted in Uncategorized on March 14, 2011 by inretaliation

Saudi Arabia has sent troops to aid Bahrain’s royal family against protesters. It makes sense that they would do this. They are connected to Bahrain by the King Fahd Causeway and they are also ruled by a royal family. Bahrain has lots of oil and pearls, they are not a poor country. I don’t like it, bad things happen when one government tries to aid another in a fight against its own people. Saudi Arabia welcomed

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on March 3, 2011 by inretaliation

Cleaning the toilet makes you think differently about the people in your household.

“How did that get there?”

A website with pretty pictures of people whose toilets I will never have to clean:  This Is Not Porn

Dreaming

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by inretaliation

Sometimes I am disheveled, dark, and, moody.  Those are the times I most need to write, and those are the times when I mostly don’t.  I am too caught up in my own head to conjure up a complete sentence that doesn’t drip of self pity.  I have this dream in my head of how I would most like my life to be.  Dreams seem to me, to be a double edge sword.  While on one hand it would be terrible to live your life without dreams or without them ever coming to fruition, on the other hand sometimes we choose the wrong dreams.  Sometimes the dreams we choose are no good for us.  (haha I have just thought of a million ways people I know could misconstrue what I just wrote.) Sometimes you have no way of knowing until it comes true, which kind of dream it is.  I have this dream that has the potential to set us free, or to rip us apart.  I am pursuing this dream which sometimes makes me feel like a great crusader, and sometimes it makes me feel like an evil stupid villain. I find that I need all my knowing of myself.  I need to be constantly maintaining a good healthy thought process about myself.  I am always questioning my own motives about everything I do.  I have huge doubts about my cleanliness of heart.  I am finding little ways I manipulate people and situations to serve in my best interest, and I am finally finding that in no way is that manipulation mutually beneficial.  I am learning to admit my biggest secrets in order to watch them grow small, at least in my eyes. (which I am finding might be the ones that count the most)  The world is not the way I would like it to be.  It is sometimes greater than I could ever imagine, and sometimes a dreary, slogging (it’s raining outside) mudslide of terrible intentions.  I am more arrogant, controlling, and wickedly silly than I ever thought I was, but how could I ever change those things if I couldn’t see them.  I am vulnerable, and needy, but I am able to give as good as I get.  I am done trying to fit in to a society I don’t even admire.  Oh my goodness, I had better be right.

a memory

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 30, 2010 by inretaliation

I slept with my girls last night.  Actually I slept curled around my oldest.  She has always fit me.  Rhett likes to sleep with Scarlet, but for me it’s Melanie.  On her first night I was a little nervous to be too close, so I gave her about 5 inches of space, and rested my hand on her exquisitely soft, unbelievable small, back.  When she woke up hungry with her soft little mewlings, (she has always been quiet) I was awkward.  I tried to sit up and hold her to my chest but I was sooo tired.  It was my doula who told me I could nurse lying down.  Again, at first I was awkward, I couldn’t figure out where to put my arm.  My breasts were gigantic and hard with milk, so I had to tip her delicate, little head up just slightly.  There was so much milk at first I thought I was going to drown her.  It didn’t help that once one was activated the other would go too.  I had to make Rhett get up, and find me a small towel.  Once I had my arm tucked under my own head and the towel draped over the unused breast I relaxed.  I brought my knees up to curl around her.  I was astounded by how well she fit.  Her soft little feet just touched my thighs while her tiny body pressed against every inch of my stomach and ribcage.  It felt as if we had melted together.  She was my own skin divided and come back to me.

Sweet Music

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 18, 2010 by inretaliation

I have found a way to enjoy housework! Headphones. Nobody bothers me, because I can’t hear them. The music sends me to a different place , and it doesn’t annoy me how bad the garbage can smells.

Change Your Mind

Posted in Uncategorized on June 9, 2010 by inretaliation

I hate to change plans.  I get really worked up about it.  Although if there is something I want and whatever I am doing is not getting it, I can switch things up at the drop of a hat.  I have been doing that a lot recently.  I am almost done with the most hectically emotional year of my life.  I just have to make it to the end of August.  I am happy though, I feel light and free.  Open in a way I haven’t ever really experienced before.

I spent so much of this year in my head replaying or imagining horrible heart wrenching scenarios. (See previous post My Betrayal)  It all lead up to one drastic escape from character, which changed the way I thought about everything.  I began to accept myself for who I am.  Not just the fun easy me I am on my best days.  All of it, even my deepest darkest thoughts, wants, and needs.  It feels so good not to feel afraid or guilty for who I am.

Now I can’t understand why I chose to hang on to my expectations for so long.  Why do we insist on feeling guilty for things that we think or feel? Why are you scared to let go?  To not care what other people think or believe about you.  I am and will always be the only one who knows me anyway.  I will be misunderstood no matter what I choose to do, I might as well choose a way that feels right.

Evolve or you will be left behind.