In Retaliation

Well this time the name of my blog is highly inaccurate.  Nothing I did was in retaliation for anything anyone else did, although it could have been, and I am sure there are many people who would not believe me.  I have always done things for other people.  It gives me great pleasure to bring pleasure to others.  I take pride in being able to do what I think is the right thing at the time.  I don’t want to make excuses for what I have done.  I think excuses are cowardly.  I want to tell you how it felt.

It felt like losing my mind.  No, that is not exactly right.  It felt like gaining access to a whole other part of me.  This part of me absolutely rebelled against doing the commendable thing.  I put everything I had on hold.  I let go.

It was the letting go that was the hardest thing to resist. Letting go of everything I was supposed to do, letting go of the me I identified with, and taking.  It was the hardest pull I have felt in a loooong time.  I wish I could say that it drug me kicking and screaming, but that is not true. I went willingly.  I fell in love with a loss of control.

It began with the hair on the back of my neck, and like a hot shower, washed over me, leaving me quivering.  I did not think, my mind scattered into a million pieces and blew away with the wind.  I only had my body, and it could not move away from the pull.

I feel like I became a traitor to my sense of self.  I couldn’t trust me.  I knew what I should have done to keep people from being hurt. I didn’t do it.  I was not sorry.  It was easy to let myself become passionate about and with him.

Now I am wrapping myself in my best defensive mechanism, anger.  I am angry that I have put off being selfish for so long.  So long that I needed something drastic and destructive to remind me.  I can have both.  I can let myself go, and care for the people I love.  It takes more effort and a longer amount of time, to find that kind of passion on a daily basis in a constructive way.  I need to find a way to give all I have and take all I want in a way that doesn’t cause others pain.