Archive for love

Wild or Crazy

Posted in relationships with tags , , on April 6, 2011 by inretaliation

Please excuse the vulgarity for a moment,

Wild or Crazy

I am wild. I am not crazy. There is a difference.

The stupid can’t see the difference, the inhibited deny the difference, and the authorities just don’t give a fuck about the difference — but the difference is everything.

Wild or crazy. At the extremes of sex, drugs, and rock and roll — anything worth doing, really — you’ll find only these two flavors. They are the chocolate and vanilla of passion. The yin and yang of sin.

Wild explores. Crazy escapes.

Wild is beautiful. Crazy is broken.

Wild seeks enlightenment. Crazy seeks annihilation.

Know the difference. Be aware of the difference. Embrace wild, and send crazy packing.

Savor a savage fuck. Sample a heroic dose. Enjoy any raw and filthy moment of human vulnerability your heart desires, but always ask yourself: are you consciously seeking enlightenment or are you seeking to annihilate your consciousness?

If you don’t know the answer, get the fuck out of the room.

If you’re trying to escape, stop what you’re doing. Get help.

If you’re trying to explore, smile with your soul and take every inch of the experience as deeply as you possibly can.

And no matter what, don’t fucking judge — blowing a fat line of cocaine off a rock hard cock in a Vegas bathroom can be just as valid an exploration of consciousness as dropping acid in the desert with a tantric drum circle of naked hippies.

You don’t need to be burning incense for it to qualify as a religious experience.

You don’t even need a god.

All you need is a brain and a battle-cry:

Bitch, be wild. Don’t be crazy.

via Coke Talk – Wild or Crazy.

The line between the two is unimaginably thin, it’s hard to now when you have crossed it.

I have tipped into crazy a great many times.

Usually I guilt trip myself about it, and try to be more pure and normal for awhile.  Now I realize that’s just not me, I am a spaz, I am erratic, I have bad follow through, I act before I think, I talk before I know,  I am capricious, I like doing things that other people think are crazy.  I am emotional, and sometimes I am needy.  That last one is really hard for me.  Needy translates to weak in my book.  I am learning to ask for what I need and be really specific.  ugh I hate asking for help, but I am not superwoman.

Sometimes I think you need to be crazy for a little (hopefully a very little) bit in order to realize how you don’t want to be.  You know, experience it, so you can identify the difference.

And finally, maybe the difference is only made clear by how you process your actions.

It’s all about you baby, love who you are because it is all you really have, and it’s beautiful!  And for some weird reason more beautiful if you love it.

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To My Husband

Posted in relationships with tags , on March 2, 2011 by inretaliation

This is my open letter for the week.  Let me just warn you, if you read this you cannot get mad at me.  Most of the time my reaction to you is just that, reactionary.  Very little thought is put into what I say and I am usually being defensive about something that hurts me which I am uncomfortable revealing.  I am not purposefully hiding things from you, most of the time even I don’t know why I am really upset.  This letter is my sifting process.  In an effort to try and spare you every disparaging, irritated, condescending, angry, at the end of my rope feeling I come across this week I am going to write them in this letter.  If I find any that are both important and valid I will bring them up at a time when I feel I am calm enough to control my mouth.  A bad thought becomes bigger in my mind feeding my anger and frustration.  As soon as I write them down, I can feel them lose their steam, and become things that are not worth the time it takes to say them.

There is a website with the same name as the title of this post,  To My Husband.  Check it out its….good.

Submission

Posted in relationships with tags , on October 15, 2010 by inretaliation

I tend to voice my opinion on Rhett’s business whether it is asked for or not, usually at just the wrong time.  The last time this happened we argued, and I retorted “What, do you just want me to play the dumb (as in silent) housewife who stands in the background with your highball at the ready?”  He paused then answered “That might be nice.”  Well that stopped me right in the middle of my rampage.  Hmmm really? I want to be offended but somehow it just made me think.  Really? Fast forward about a week and I am chatting with a couple of guys, and I tell them about the conversation.  I have a little epiphany while I am speaking and I tell them I was not trained that way.  I have no idea how to wrap my brain around being that woman.  One of the boys went to the Philipines and fell in love.  He married this girl and brought her back to the US.  She knows how to be this woman I am picturing in my mind.  I like his wife, she has spunk, she says her mind, but she also has dinner ready at a certain time every night, she makes him his plate, and hands him his drink.

Why would I even want to be this person?  It would make my life sooo much easier if I could please my husband with these simple random tasks with a smile on my face.  Rhett has told me more than once that he doesn’t mind being manipulated as long as he is being manipulated sweetly.  I am not a huge fan of manipulation but I think that is because of the bad connotation of  the word.

I have chosen my life, and while most of the time it feels like a beautiful freedom, I forget to act that way.  If I  awoke with a smile on my face and hummed as I made coffee (which I like to do)  joked as I woke the kids and made them breakfast (which I don’t like to do).  Laughed about the fact that I am quite literally a soccer mom (thank god I don’t drive a minivan).  If I relished in keeping the garden and making dinner, everyone around me would be happier including me.  Except that I can’t quite feel as if I am not missing out on lots of things.  Some big part of me resents the fact that I didn’t do as my mama taught me and grow up to be a powerful woman taking on the world with her great career.

I know that I don’t really want this thing, I want to be where I am doing what I am doing.  I believe raising my kids is the most profound thing I can do in this world.  I want to ignore the drudgery of doing the same things every day.  I want to remember there is value even in these small seemingly unimportant chores.  I want to submit to my place, give up this nagging pull to be something else, and enjoy the life I cherish.

Infidelity

Posted in relationships with tags , , on May 24, 2010 by inretaliation

Well this time the name of my blog is highly inaccurate.  Nothing I did was in retaliation for anything anyone else did, although it could have been, and I am sure there are many people who would not believe me.  I have always done things for other people.  It gives me great pleasure to bring pleasure to others.  I take pride in being able to do what I think is the right thing at the time.  I don’t want to make excuses for what I have done.  I think excuses are cowardly.  I want to tell you how it felt.

It felt like losing my mind.  No, that is not exactly right.  It felt like gaining access to a whole other part of me.  This part of me absolutely rebelled against doing the commendable thing.  I put everything I had on hold.  I let go.

It was the letting go that was the hardest thing to resist. Letting go of everything I was supposed to do, letting go of the me I identified with, and taking.  It was the hardest pull I have felt in a loooong time.  I wish I could say that it drug me kicking and screaming, but that is not true. I went willingly.  I fell in love with a loss of control.

It began with the hair on the back of my neck, and like a hot shower, washed over me, leaving me quivering.  I did not think, my mind scattered into a million pieces and blew away with the wind.  I only had my body, and it could not move away from the pull.

I feel like I became a traitor to my sense of self.  I couldn’t trust me.  I knew what I should have done to keep people from being hurt. I didn’t do it.  I was not sorry.  It was easy to let myself become passionate about and with him.

Now I am wrapping myself in my best defensive mechanism, anger.  I am angry that I have put off being selfish for so long.  So long that I needed something drastic and destructive to remind me.  I can have both.  I can let myself go, and care for the people I love.  It takes more effort and a longer amount of time, to find that kind of passion on a daily basis in a constructive way.  I need to find a way to give all I have and take all I want in a way that doesn’t cause others pain.

My Betrayal

Posted in relationships with tags , , on March 4, 2009 by inretaliation

My rational mind tries to scramble away as the part of my brain completely devoid of logical thought stretches out its strong greasy hand.  My mind tries to soothe and cajole.  “Its ok they are allowed to be friends.  They can talk to each other and laugh   without it meaning great secret things.  They both love you, they would never hurt you.”  The hand surrounds my brain and begins to squeeze.  I hear a sarcastic laugh and then the insidious voice begins.  “Look at how they lean towards each other, watch them watch each other.  Do you see his arm draped around the back of her chair?  Did you see the way she smiled up at him?”  My mind gasps as it is strangled by the tenacity of this emotional onslaught.  “Is this real?”jealousy-1

Love eternal?

Posted in relationships with tags , on February 18, 2009 by inretaliation

heart-headphonesI have been married for five years now.  We have been together for ten years.  I recently had a friend ask me how I knew things were going to work between us.  I told her very bluntly that I didn’t… still don’t.  As a matter of fact my husband and I had just been through a series of brutal arguments, and it had crossed my mind several times that we wouldn’t work things out.  

I have recently discovered that our relationship is cyclical.  We have a pattern.  The entire cycle takes around four months to play itself out.  We get along wonderfully for awhile.  Then there is about a week of picking at each other in which both of our moods slowly deteriorate as does our patience.  Then the fighting begins in earnest.  Sometimes we can work our way up and out of it.  Like swimming towards the surface of a murky lake after an especially deep dive.  Other times we drown in our refusal to give way.  Then it is another week of cold shoulders and withdrawn love.  Finally one of us realizes that we don’t have to kill our relationship in order to stand on principle. I can see how easy it is to forget how to love this other person, to believe that we really mean these small things we say to each other.  To cycle forever downwards until there is no surface any more.  What is more important, that we fight for what we want or that we give for what we want?