Archive for delusions

Sell Out

Posted in pop culture with tags , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2011 by inretaliation

Selling out is a big deal in our household, you must have principles that are impervious to material things.  We admire artists that resist selling out, and our admiration deflates when someone we like does a car commercial (Acura, Andrew Bird, really?).

I am much more lenient on this than Rhett is.  Musicians can no longer depend on record sales, so it doesn’t bother me so much if they take advantage of their popularity.  Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeroes, kind of surprised me though, they seemed like such good anti-establishment hippies.

The Black Keys redeemed themselves a little bit by going on the Colbert Report and making fun of how badly they sold out.  If you are going to screw up, embrace it.

This girl though, she knows how to do it right.  Oh man, is she smooth, easing us into it bit by bit, making herself a brand name and an enigma all at once.  First there was Coke Talk, which was mediocre, then came Dear Coke Talk, where we really got to see her wit, charm, and intelligence.  Then there was Whore Talk, oooh the first inkling something was going on.  Now she is employed by the Daily with Dear Coquette.  This week she pulled off the coup de grace with her own collaborative jewelry line and an online boutique, where you can buy her limited edition pieces.  She is selling out with such style I can’t really tell if she is, or not.  Either that or she is fantastic at straddling some gray areas of my own ideals.

To cap off here is a hilarious video from a group that has yet to sell out. (I think)

Tangled Heart

Posted in relationships with tags , , , on November 27, 2010 by inretaliation

I took my girls to see the latest princess movie last night.  They loved it, they sat watching with rapt attention, sometimes with comments “I knew he was going to kiss her”.  Meanwhile I spent almost the entire movie cringing.  I used to love taking them to the movies.  It was such a treat watching them being amazed.

Princess fairy tales have caused nothing but grief in my relationships.  You believe in them because the brainwashing is consistent.  In every story the princess is in danger, her true love comes to save her, and they fall in love (quickly), happily ever after.  They are trying to make the princesses a little more self reliant these days, and in this one the hero is even a criminal.

Nobody lives happily ever after.  Every relationship takes work and dedication.  As women we need to stop expecting men to prove their love with grand gestures.  We need to stop expecting to be saved, and we need to stop trying to save.  We need to trust in ourselves to make ourselves happy.  I am not a feminist, at least not in the politically correct sense of the word.  I am merely trying to survive prince charming disease.  I think if we are genuinely happy with ourselves, we will be more genuinely happy in our relationships.

I want it to be easier for my girls.  I won’t stop taking them to the movies, in fact we are planning a trip to Disneyland next year.  I can’t let how I would like them to live their life get in the way of how they want to live their lives.  I might show them Kids when they are fourteen though.


Posted in relationships with tags , on October 15, 2010 by inretaliation

I tend to voice my opinion on Rhett’s business whether it is asked for or not, usually at just the wrong time.  The last time this happened we argued, and I retorted “What, do you just want me to play the dumb (as in silent) housewife who stands in the background with your highball at the ready?”  He paused then answered “That might be nice.”  Well that stopped me right in the middle of my rampage.  Hmmm really? I want to be offended but somehow it just made me think.  Really? Fast forward about a week and I am chatting with a couple of guys, and I tell them about the conversation.  I have a little epiphany while I am speaking and I tell them I was not trained that way.  I have no idea how to wrap my brain around being that woman.  One of the boys went to the Philipines and fell in love.  He married this girl and brought her back to the US.  She knows how to be this woman I am picturing in my mind.  I like his wife, she has spunk, she says her mind, but she also has dinner ready at a certain time every night, she makes him his plate, and hands him his drink.

Why would I even want to be this person?  It would make my life sooo much easier if I could please my husband with these simple random tasks with a smile on my face.  Rhett has told me more than once that he doesn’t mind being manipulated as long as he is being manipulated sweetly.  I am not a huge fan of manipulation but I think that is because of the bad connotation of  the word.

I have chosen my life, and while most of the time it feels like a beautiful freedom, I forget to act that way.  If I  awoke with a smile on my face and hummed as I made coffee (which I like to do)  joked as I woke the kids and made them breakfast (which I don’t like to do).  Laughed about the fact that I am quite literally a soccer mom (thank god I don’t drive a minivan).  If I relished in keeping the garden and making dinner, everyone around me would be happier including me.  Except that I can’t quite feel as if I am not missing out on lots of things.  Some big part of me resents the fact that I didn’t do as my mama taught me and grow up to be a powerful woman taking on the world with her great career.

I know that I don’t really want this thing, I want to be where I am doing what I am doing.  I believe raising my kids is the most profound thing I can do in this world.  I want to ignore the drudgery of doing the same things every day.  I want to remember there is value even in these small seemingly unimportant chores.  I want to submit to my place, give up this nagging pull to be something else, and enjoy the life I cherish.


Posted in relationships with tags , , on May 24, 2010 by inretaliation

Well this time the name of my blog is highly inaccurate.  Nothing I did was in retaliation for anything anyone else did, although it could have been, and I am sure there are many people who would not believe me.  I have always done things for other people.  It gives me great pleasure to bring pleasure to others.  I take pride in being able to do what I think is the right thing at the time.  I don’t want to make excuses for what I have done.  I think excuses are cowardly.  I want to tell you how it felt.

It felt like losing my mind.  No, that is not exactly right.  It felt like gaining access to a whole other part of me.  This part of me absolutely rebelled against doing the commendable thing.  I put everything I had on hold.  I let go.

It was the letting go that was the hardest thing to resist. Letting go of everything I was supposed to do, letting go of the me I identified with, and taking.  It was the hardest pull I have felt in a loooong time.  I wish I could say that it drug me kicking and screaming, but that is not true. I went willingly.  I fell in love with a loss of control.

It began with the hair on the back of my neck, and like a hot shower, washed over me, leaving me quivering.  I did not think, my mind scattered into a million pieces and blew away with the wind.  I only had my body, and it could not move away from the pull.

I feel like I became a traitor to my sense of self.  I couldn’t trust me.  I knew what I should have done to keep people from being hurt. I didn’t do it.  I was not sorry.  It was easy to let myself become passionate about and with him.

Now I am wrapping myself in my best defensive mechanism, anger.  I am angry that I have put off being selfish for so long.  So long that I needed something drastic and destructive to remind me.  I can have both.  I can let myself go, and care for the people I love.  It takes more effort and a longer amount of time, to find that kind of passion on a daily basis in a constructive way.  I need to find a way to give all I have and take all I want in a way that doesn’t cause others pain.

Swine Fear

Posted in community, politics with tags , on May 2, 2009 by inretaliation

image001The swine flu has 10 confirmed deaths according to the WHO website which is updated daily.  10 deaths as of May 1st, 2009. It is true they are still testing cases and the number will probably rise.  Influenza viruses kill thousands every year.  Why was this one so hyped?  Something to do with Mexico maybe?  Perhaps a good scare will help our legislators pass some desired laws that aren’t appetizing to a confident citizenry.  

I absolutely despise fear mongering.  There is something within each of us that just can’t resist it though.  I love a piece of gossip that puts people on edge.  I just wish people would take news reports with the same grain of salt they would a piece of gossip.  Remember FDR’s sage advice “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  A frightened populace is the most malleable kind.  I don’t think you should ignore warnings completely.  However you should treat the news reporter prophesying the end of the world the same as you would the long haired old man with a sandwich board.

Here is the link to WHO.  WHO | Influenza A(H1N1) – update 7

My Betrayal

Posted in relationships with tags , , on March 4, 2009 by inretaliation

My rational mind tries to scramble away as the part of my brain completely devoid of logical thought stretches out its strong greasy hand.  My mind tries to soothe and cajole.  “Its ok they are allowed to be friends.  They can talk to each other and laugh   without it meaning great secret things.  They both love you, they would never hurt you.”  The hand surrounds my brain and begins to squeeze.  I hear a sarcastic laugh and then the insidious voice begins.  “Look at how they lean towards each other, watch them watch each other.  Do you see his arm draped around the back of her chair?  Did you see the way she smiled up at him?”  My mind gasps as it is strangled by the tenacity of this emotional onslaught.  “Is this real?”jealousy-1