In Retaliation

I tend to voice my opinion on Rhett’s business whether it is asked for or not, usually at just the wrong time.  The last time this happened we argued, and I retorted “What, do you just want me to play the dumb (as in silent) housewife who stands in the background with your highball at the ready?”  He paused then answered “That might be nice.”  Well that stopped me right in the middle of my rampage.  Hmmm really? I want to be offended but somehow it just made me think.  Really? Fast forward about a week and I am chatting with a couple of guys, and I tell them about the conversation.  I have a little epiphany while I am speaking and I tell them I was not trained that way.  I have no idea how to wrap my brain around being that woman.  One of the boys went to the Philipines and fell in love.  He married this girl and brought her back to the US.  She knows how to be this woman I am picturing in my mind.  I like his wife, she has spunk, she says her mind, but she also has dinner ready at a certain time every night, she makes him his plate, and hands him his drink.

Why would I even want to be this person?  It would make my life sooo much easier if I could please my husband with these simple random tasks with a smile on my face.  Rhett has told me more than once that he doesn’t mind being manipulated as long as he is being manipulated sweetly.  I am not a huge fan of manipulation but I think that is because of the bad connotation of  the word.

I have chosen my life, and while most of the time it feels like a beautiful freedom, I forget to act that way.  If I  awoke with a smile on my face and hummed as I made coffee (which I like to do)  joked as I woke the kids and made them breakfast (which I don’t like to do).  Laughed about the fact that I am quite literally a soccer mom (thank god I don’t drive a minivan).  If I relished in keeping the garden and making dinner, everyone around me would be happier including me.  Except that I can’t quite feel as if I am not missing out on lots of things.  Some big part of me resents the fact that I didn’t do as my mama taught me and grow up to be a powerful woman taking on the world with her great career.

I know that I don’t really want this thing, I want to be where I am doing what I am doing.  I believe raising my kids is the most profound thing I can do in this world.  I want to ignore the drudgery of doing the same things every day.  I want to remember there is value even in these small seemingly unimportant chores.  I want to submit to my place, give up this nagging pull to be something else, and enjoy the life I cherish.