I slept with my girls last night. Actually I slept curled around my oldest. She has always fit me. Rhett likes to sleep with Scarlet, but for me it’s Melanie. On her first night I was a little nervous to be too close, so I gave her about 5 inches of space, and rested my hand on her exquisitely soft, unbelievable small, back. When she woke up hungry with her soft little mewlings, (she has always been quiet) I was awkward. I tried to sit up and hold her to my chest but I was sooo tired. It was my doula who told me I could nurse lying down. Again, at first I was awkward, I couldn’t figure out where to put my arm. My breasts were gigantic and hard with milk, so I had to tip her delicate, little head up just slightly. There was so much milk at first I thought I was going to drown her. It didn’t help that once one was activated the other would go too. I had to make Rhett get up, and find me a small towel. Once I had my arm tucked under my own head and the towel draped over the unused breast I relaxed. I brought my knees up to curl around her. I was astounded by how well she fit. Her soft little feet just touched my thighs while her tiny body pressed against every inch of my stomach and ribcage. It felt as if we had melted together. She was my own skin divided and come back to me.
Archive for November, 2010
a memory
Posted in Uncategorized with tags children, family, nursing on November 30, 2010 by inretaliationTangled Heart
Posted in relationships with tags children, delusions, fairy tales, Prince Charming on November 27, 2010 by inretaliationI took my girls to see the latest princess movie last night. They loved it, they sat watching with rapt attention, sometimes with comments “I knew he was going to kiss her”. Meanwhile I spent almost the entire movie cringing. I used to love taking them to the movies. It was such a treat watching them being amazed.
Princess fairy tales have caused nothing but grief in my relationships. You believe in them because the brainwashing is consistent. In every story the princess is in danger, her true love comes to save her, and they fall in love (quickly), happily ever after. They are trying to make the princesses a little more self reliant these days, and in this one the hero is even a criminal.
Nobody lives happily ever after. Every relationship takes work and dedication. As women we need to stop expecting men to prove their love with grand gestures. We need to stop expecting to be saved, and we need to stop trying to save. We need to 
trust in ourselves to make ourselves happy. I am not a feminist, at least not in the politically correct sense of the word. I am merely trying to survive prince charming disease. I think if we are genuinely happy with ourselves, we will be more genuinely happy in our relationships.
I want it to be easier for my girls. I won’t stop taking them to the movies, in fact we are planning a trip to Disneyland next year. I can’t let how I would like them to live their life get in the way of how they want to live their lives. I might show them Kids when they are fourteen though.
Down To Four
Posted in community with tags family, friends, home on November 11, 2010 by inretaliation
Rhett and I decided to build our own house. This was a very naive decision. Everything always takes longer than you think. You always need more help than you had planned on. We have been living with people on our property since May of 2009. We are finally done, I just waved goodbye to the last of our helpers. I have been giddy for days at the thought of having my little family to myself again. Today surprised me though, we have had a lot of people around for the last month trying to finish up before the rains. Today I said goodbye to them all, and now I am pensive. I have been wandering around the house finding little things they left behind and piling them one on top of the other in the hopes that someday I will be driven enough to send them along.
Our last group of people were particularly cohesive. Sure, there was drama but not very much. They all paid attention to my kids, and let them climb all over them. They ignored me when I was moody. They took extra care when Rhett was sullen. They laughed with us a lot. I can honestly say I loved having all of them.
There is a bond that forms between family members. You know each other so well. Its different when other people are around, I am always aware of where they are (probably because I am very nosy). I know that I tone my attitude down most of the time (not all the time). There is a little bit of stress that comes from holding your tongue.
What is our family going to be like now? Will we relate to each other differently? Will it be better? Or not? Are we so used to having other people around we won’t be able to function well without them?
I am sitting with my daughters while one draws and the other does homework. We are going to have a pot pie for dinner. They are going to take a giant bubble bath, then we will all snuggle up in my bed and watch movies. I think we will be a little more boring, but excellent all the same.
So much love, and encouragement, and excitement to all of those who have left me. You have changed me for the better, thank you (with way more meaning than those two plain words can possibly express).
In Retaliation 