Down To Four

Posted in community with tags , , on November 11, 2010 by inretaliation

Rhett and I decided to build our own house.  This was a very naive decision.  Everything always takes longer than you think.  You always need more help than you had planned on.  We have been living with people on our property since May of 2009.  We are finally done, I just waved goodbye to the last of our helpers.  I have been giddy for days at the thought of having my little family to myself again.  Today surprised me though, we have had a lot of people around for the last month trying to finish up before the rains.  Today I said goodbye to them all, and now I am pensive.  I have been wandering around the house finding little things they left behind and piling them one on top of the other in the hopes that someday I will be driven enough to send them along.

Our last group of people were particularly cohesive.  Sure, there was drama but not very much.  They all paid attention to my kids, and let them climb all over them.  They ignored me when I was moody.  They took extra care when Rhett was sullen.  They laughed with us a lot.  I can honestly say I loved having all of them.

There is a bond that forms between family members.  You know each other so well.  Its different when other people are around, I am always aware of where they are (probably because I am very nosy).  I know that I tone my attitude down most of the time (not all the time).  There is a little bit of stress that comes from holding your tongue.

What is our family going to be like now?  Will we relate to each other differently?  Will it be better?  Or not?  Are we so used to having other people around we won’t be able to function well without them?

I am sitting with my daughters while one draws and the other does homework.  We are going to have a pot pie for dinner.  They are going to take a giant bubble bath, then we will all snuggle up in my bed and watch movies.  I think we will be a little more boring, but excellent all the same.

So much love, and encouragement, and excitement to all of those who have left me.  You have changed me for the better, thank you (with way more meaning than those two plain words can possibly express).

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Old Enough

Posted in politics with tags , , on October 29, 2010 by inretaliation

This article is a perfect example of the kind of lawsuits that have tainted this country.  We collectively need to grow up and realize that sometimes shit happens, and you shouldn’t always make someone pay for it.  I am shaking my head in wonderment and shame right now.

 

4 year old able to be sued

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Educate Yourself

Posted in Humboldt County, politics with tags , on October 20, 2010 by inretaliation

Read everything, the pros and the cons. Then decide.

http://stop19.com/ten-reasons-to-vote-no/

http://hummap.org/2010/10/12/hummap-commercial-cannabis-industry-tax-and-regulation-proposal/

http://www.thereporta.com/?p=2906

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Sweet Music

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 18, 2010 by inretaliation

I have found a way to enjoy housework! Headphones. Nobody bothers me, because I can’t hear them. The music sends me to a different place , and it doesn’t annoy me how bad the garbage can smells.

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Posted in community, Humboldt County with tags on October 17, 2010 by inretaliation

One of the perils of hanging out with people you don’t really know for many hours at a time:

I had no idea Jack Johnson had six albums. Do you know how long it takes to listen to six albums?  Four hours.

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Submission

Posted in relationships with tags , on October 15, 2010 by inretaliation

I tend to voice my opinion on Rhett’s business whether it is asked for or not, usually at just the wrong time.  The last time this happened we argued, and I retorted “What, do you just want me to play the dumb (as in silent) housewife who stands in the background with your highball at the ready?”  He paused then answered “That might be nice.”  Well that stopped me right in the middle of my rampage.  Hmmm really? I want to be offended but somehow it just made me think.  Really? Fast forward about a week and I am chatting with a couple of guys, and I tell them about the conversation.  I have a little epiphany while I am speaking and I tell them I was not trained that way.  I have no idea how to wrap my brain around being that woman.  One of the boys went to the Philipines and fell in love.  He married this girl and brought her back to the US.  She knows how to be this woman I am picturing in my mind.  I like his wife, she has spunk, she says her mind, but she also has dinner ready at a certain time every night, she makes him his plate, and hands him his drink.

Why would I even want to be this person?  It would make my life sooo much easier if I could please my husband with these simple random tasks with a smile on my face.  Rhett has told me more than once that he doesn’t mind being manipulated as long as he is being manipulated sweetly.  I am not a huge fan of manipulation but I think that is because of the bad connotation of  the word.

I have chosen my life, and while most of the time it feels like a beautiful freedom, I forget to act that way.  If I  awoke with a smile on my face and hummed as I made coffee (which I like to do)  joked as I woke the kids and made them breakfast (which I don’t like to do).  Laughed about the fact that I am quite literally a soccer mom (thank god I don’t drive a minivan).  If I relished in keeping the garden and making dinner, everyone around me would be happier including me.  Except that I can’t quite feel as if I am not missing out on lots of things.  Some big part of me resents the fact that I didn’t do as my mama taught me and grow up to be a powerful woman taking on the world with her great career.

I know that I don’t really want this thing, I want to be where I am doing what I am doing.  I believe raising my kids is the most profound thing I can do in this world.  I want to ignore the drudgery of doing the same things every day.  I want to remember there is value even in these small seemingly unimportant chores.  I want to submit to my place, give up this nagging pull to be something else, and enjoy the life I cherish.

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Change Your Mind

Posted in Uncategorized on June 9, 2010 by inretaliation

I hate to change plans.  I get really worked up about it.  Although if there is something I want and whatever I am doing is not getting it, I can switch things up at the drop of a hat.  I have been doing that a lot recently.  I am almost done with the most hectically emotional year of my life.  I just have to make it to the end of August.  I am happy though, I feel light and free.  Open in a way I haven’t ever really experienced before.

I spent so much of this year in my head replaying or imagining horrible heart wrenching scenarios. (See previous post My Betrayal)  It all lead up to one drastic escape from character, which changed the way I thought about everything.  I began to accept myself for who I am.  Not just the fun easy me I am on my best days.  All of it, even my deepest darkest thoughts, wants, and needs.  It feels so good not to feel afraid or guilty for who I am.

Now I can’t understand why I chose to hang on to my expectations for so long.  Why do we insist on feeling guilty for things that we think or feel? Why are you scared to let go?  To not care what other people think or believe about you.  I am and will always be the only one who knows me anyway.  I will be misunderstood no matter what I choose to do, I might as well choose a way that feels right.

Evolve or you will be left behind.

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Product Recommendation

Posted in relationships with tags on June 8, 2010 by inretaliation

At the risk of sounding like Nurse Myra (http://nursemyra.wordpress.com/) who is very interesting at what she does, I am going to make a couple of recommendations.  For couples you absolutely must try the We Vibe II, for men the Egg.  The Egg is not for what you think it is for, and it’s simple and cheap.  The We is a little pricey but worth every penny.  You should also check out this blog for a good laugh.  http://conversationswiththewall.wordpress.com/page/2/

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Free Edward Sharpe Tickets

Posted in Uncategorized on May 24, 2010 by inretaliation

I have two PDF file tickets to Edward Sharpe at the Henry Miller Library on May 26th, in Big Sur. Sadly, we cannot attend.
Entertainment is more important than money at this point. So here is our challenge to you. Send us an essay or video encompassing any realm of your choosing. Since Edward Sharpe will not be entertaining us it falls upon you. Rise to the occasion. We will get all Simon Cowell on your ass tomorrow morning.

Sincerely
Your Fairy Godmother

Ok people I understand you might think this is a scam. It’s not. We only received two replies, the deadline is extended until midnight tonight. I will email you the tickets then. This is a sold out show in an intimate venue. We paid a lot of money for these tickets and are willing to give them to you. Please be brave.

reply to ptownpirate4@gmail.com

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Infidelity

Posted in relationships with tags , , on May 24, 2010 by inretaliation

Well this time the name of my blog is highly inaccurate.  Nothing I did was in retaliation for anything anyone else did, although it could have been, and I am sure there are many people who would not believe me.  I have always done things for other people.  It gives me great pleasure to bring pleasure to others.  I take pride in being able to do what I think is the right thing at the time.  I don’t want to make excuses for what I have done.  I think excuses are cowardly.  I want to tell you how it felt.

It felt like losing my mind.  No, that is not exactly right.  It felt like gaining access to a whole other part of me.  This part of me absolutely rebelled against doing the commendable thing.  I put everything I had on hold.  I let go.

It was the letting go that was the hardest thing to resist. Letting go of everything I was supposed to do, letting go of the me I identified with, and taking.  It was the hardest pull I have felt in a loooong time.  I wish I could say that it drug me kicking and screaming, but that is not true. I went willingly.  I fell in love with a loss of control.

It began with the hair on the back of my neck, and like a hot shower, washed over me, leaving me quivering.  I did not think, my mind scattered into a million pieces and blew away with the wind.  I only had my body, and it could not move away from the pull.

I feel like I became a traitor to my sense of self.  I couldn’t trust me.  I knew what I should have done to keep people from being hurt. I didn’t do it.  I was not sorry.  It was easy to let myself become passionate about and with him.

Now I am wrapping myself in my best defensive mechanism, anger.  I am angry that I have put off being selfish for so long.  So long that I needed something drastic and destructive to remind me.  I can have both.  I can let myself go, and care for the people I love.  It takes more effort and a longer amount of time, to find that kind of passion on a daily basis in a constructive way.  I need to find a way to give all I have and take all I want in a way that doesn’t cause others pain.

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