Trivial

Posted in community, Humboldt County with tags , , , on January 13, 2011 by inretaliation

I have a black eye today.  I was having a really bad day yesterday, everything seemed to be going wrong.  I finally got home and we were out of water. arrrrrr!  So I went to change the filter, only the last time I changed the filter we did not have underground water lines.  I had no clue where the filter was anymore,  I was following all the lines I could see in the growing darkness, which meant clambering all over wet sloppy hills.  One deer trail decided to give out beneath me and I slid all the way down to the creek.  On the way down a branch slammed across my eyes.  I actually have one puffy eye and one black eye.  I gave up and walked back to the house to find that my husband had arrived.  I was instantly mad that he didn’t come and help me (I had told the kids where I was going).  Of course my lovely children had no idea where I was because they hadn’t paid any attention to me.  I asked where the hell the water filter was, and was mortified to find that it is on the side of the house DAMN!  I went to try to change it and couldn’t unscrew it. DAMN!  I was beginning to cry which just frustrates me more.  I really gave up and asked Rhett to please do it for me, DAMN!

I love having a black eye though, it somehow makes me feel tougher.  Maybe I got in a fight in a bar, or maybe I took up boxing.  Don’t believe it, I fell and then I cried about it. I am so glad yesterday is over.

Admit It

Posted in community with tags on January 8, 2011 by inretaliation

I have been drawn to a certain type of person lately, or maybe more accurately I am drawn to a certain aspect of all people.  Some just cultivate it more than others.  I adore emotionally unstable capable people.  I want people near me who strive to be better people but fail, a lot,  who are strong enough to take a joke most of the time,  who like clean spaces but don’t always have a clean house, who are intelligent, but admit when they don’t know something.  These are the people who make me feel comfortable and real.  They don’t necessarily make me feel more normal, more like we are all weird, insecure, stupid, mean, jealous, angry, and judgmental. We all have to learn to overcome these things and we all screw up sometimes.

Don’t pretend to be perfect around me, I will get bored and walk away.  I am not always a good mother, I am a raging bitch to my husband, I like it when you can admit the same back to me.  Don’t try to give me what I want, I will not respect, or appreciate your inability to stand up for yourself.  Tell me my hair looks like shit, my shoes are ugly, that dress does not fit me right, I will love you for it. (these things need to be done without an air of judgment, or I will secretly hate you) I will treasure you when you admit your failings, while enjoying your strengths.  Don’t baby me, I may not be able to handle the truth right then but I will remember later, and I will cherish you for it.

Admit the real you, I bet it’s horribly good.

Dreaming

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by inretaliation

Sometimes I am disheveled, dark, and, moody.  Those are the times I most need to write, and those are the times when I mostly don’t.  I am too caught up in my own head to conjure up a complete sentence that doesn’t drip of self pity.  I have this dream in my head of how I would most like my life to be.  Dreams seem to me, to be a double edge sword.  While on one hand it would be terrible to live your life without dreams or without them ever coming to fruition, on the other hand sometimes we choose the wrong dreams.  Sometimes the dreams we choose are no good for us.  (haha I have just thought of a million ways people I know could misconstrue what I just wrote.) Sometimes you have no way of knowing until it comes true, which kind of dream it is.  I have this dream that has the potential to set us free, or to rip us apart.  I am pursuing this dream which sometimes makes me feel like a great crusader, and sometimes it makes me feel like an evil stupid villain. I find that I need all my knowing of myself.  I need to be constantly maintaining a good healthy thought process about myself.  I am always questioning my own motives about everything I do.  I have huge doubts about my cleanliness of heart.  I am finding little ways I manipulate people and situations to serve in my best interest, and I am finally finding that in no way is that manipulation mutually beneficial.  I am learning to admit my biggest secrets in order to watch them grow small, at least in my eyes. (which I am finding might be the ones that count the most)  The world is not the way I would like it to be.  It is sometimes greater than I could ever imagine, and sometimes a dreary, slogging (it’s raining outside) mudslide of terrible intentions.  I am more arrogant, controlling, and wickedly silly than I ever thought I was, but how could I ever change those things if I couldn’t see them.  I am vulnerable, and needy, but I am able to give as good as I get.  I am done trying to fit in to a society I don’t even admire.  Oh my goodness, I had better be right.

rape

Posted in politics with tags , , on December 3, 2010 by inretaliation

The depths that the human race can sink to surprises me on a daily basis.  Most of the time I push the rest of the world out of my mind.  I bury myself in the beauty of my day to day life.  Once in a while something catches my eye and scares the shit out of me.  I have two beautiful daughters, the thought that they could be at a high school dance and get gang raped while 20 people watch and do nothing, frightens me so much.  I  am so glad the girl in this story is standing up for herself and trying to get these boys punished.  All of that unfortunately is pretty commonplace, its those damn 20 bystanders that freak me out.  What the hell were they thinking?  Do they get put in jail too?  They should, its just as much their fault as it is the rapists.  Okay I know that isn’t exactly true but maybe they could have stopped at least one of the seven boys from having his way with a sixteen year old, on the grass outside stinking homecoming.  I have dreadful thoughts, like if you stood by while one of my girls was raped I would hunt you down and hurt you, so bad.  I understand that violence is not supposed to solve anything, and that two wrongs don’t make a right.  So maybe I would just take out billboard space and print their name and what they did (or didn’t do) on it so everyone would know what a worthless cowardly specimen they were. Ugh! I am sooo mad.

here is the full story

article.cgi?f=%2Fn%2Fa%2F2010%2F11%2F30%2Fstate%2Fn162359S57.DTL

a memory

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 30, 2010 by inretaliation

I slept with my girls last night.  Actually I slept curled around my oldest.  She has always fit me.  Rhett likes to sleep with Scarlet, but for me it’s Melanie.  On her first night I was a little nervous to be too close, so I gave her about 5 inches of space, and rested my hand on her exquisitely soft, unbelievable small, back.  When she woke up hungry with her soft little mewlings, (she has always been quiet) I was awkward.  I tried to sit up and hold her to my chest but I was sooo tired.  It was my doula who told me I could nurse lying down.  Again, at first I was awkward, I couldn’t figure out where to put my arm.  My breasts were gigantic and hard with milk, so I had to tip her delicate, little head up just slightly.  There was so much milk at first I thought I was going to drown her.  It didn’t help that once one was activated the other would go too.  I had to make Rhett get up, and find me a small towel.  Once I had my arm tucked under my own head and the towel draped over the unused breast I relaxed.  I brought my knees up to curl around her.  I was astounded by how well she fit.  Her soft little feet just touched my thighs while her tiny body pressed against every inch of my stomach and ribcage.  It felt as if we had melted together.  She was my own skin divided and come back to me.

Tangled Heart

Posted in relationships with tags , , , on November 27, 2010 by inretaliation

I took my girls to see the latest princess movie last night.  They loved it, they sat watching with rapt attention, sometimes with comments “I knew he was going to kiss her”.  Meanwhile I spent almost the entire movie cringing.  I used to love taking them to the movies.  It was such a treat watching them being amazed.

Princess fairy tales have caused nothing but grief in my relationships.  You believe in them because the brainwashing is consistent.  In every story the princess is in danger, her true love comes to save her, and they fall in love (quickly), happily ever after.  They are trying to make the princesses a little more self reliant these days, and in this one the hero is even a criminal.

Nobody lives happily ever after.  Every relationship takes work and dedication.  As women we need to stop expecting men to prove their love with grand gestures.  We need to stop expecting to be saved, and we need to stop trying to save.  We need to trust in ourselves to make ourselves happy.  I am not a feminist, at least not in the politically correct sense of the word.  I am merely trying to survive prince charming disease.  I think if we are genuinely happy with ourselves, we will be more genuinely happy in our relationships.

I want it to be easier for my girls.  I won’t stop taking them to the movies, in fact we are planning a trip to Disneyland next year.  I can’t let how I would like them to live their life get in the way of how they want to live their lives.  I might show them Kids when they are fourteen though.

Down To Four

Posted in community with tags , , on November 11, 2010 by inretaliation

Rhett and I decided to build our own house.  This was a very naive decision.  Everything always takes longer than you think.  You always need more help than you had planned on.  We have been living with people on our property since May of 2009.  We are finally done, I just waved goodbye to the last of our helpers.  I have been giddy for days at the thought of having my little family to myself again.  Today surprised me though, we have had a lot of people around for the last month trying to finish up before the rains.  Today I said goodbye to them all, and now I am pensive.  I have been wandering around the house finding little things they left behind and piling them one on top of the other in the hopes that someday I will be driven enough to send them along.

Our last group of people were particularly cohesive.  Sure, there was drama but not very much.  They all paid attention to my kids, and let them climb all over them.  They ignored me when I was moody.  They took extra care when Rhett was sullen.  They laughed with us a lot.  I can honestly say I loved having all of them.

There is a bond that forms between family members.  You know each other so well.  Its different when other people are around, I am always aware of where they are (probably because I am very nosy).  I know that I tone my attitude down most of the time (not all the time).  There is a little bit of stress that comes from holding your tongue.

What is our family going to be like now?  Will we relate to each other differently?  Will it be better?  Or not?  Are we so used to having other people around we won’t be able to function well without them?

I am sitting with my daughters while one draws and the other does homework.  We are going to have a pot pie for dinner.  They are going to take a giant bubble bath, then we will all snuggle up in my bed and watch movies.  I think we will be a little more boring, but excellent all the same.

So much love, and encouragement, and excitement to all of those who have left me.  You have changed me for the better, thank you (with way more meaning than those two plain words can possibly express).